7-Year-Old Kerry Washington's Secret Battle: Terrifying Nighttime Panic Attacks Awakened by Her Parents' Fiery Arguments

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Kerry Washington is opening up about her life in her new memoir, Thicker Than Water — and she’s leaving no detail untold.

The actress, aged 46, disclosed in an excerpt shared by Oprah Daily on August 9, that she experienced "panic attacks at night" when she was only 7 years old due to her parents' troubled relationship. Describing the attacks as an "internal beat" and "rhythms of my heart," she explained how they initially began as a pattern of anxious thoughts and later transformed into a chaotic, pulsating sensation resembling the unsettling spinning rides found at a local fair.

Washington recalled attempting to silence her mind whenever she sensed an impending attack. However, the torment would manifest in her fascia and spread through her muscles and tendons. In an effort to regain control, she would resort to rocking her body, hoping to drown out the pulsating noise. At times, she would tuck her head under a pillow, trying to ignore the fact that the torment originated from within her. Ultimately, exhaustion would be the only thing to overpower the relentless rhythm, lulling her into a dream state that offered respite from her fears.

After enduring another night of lying in bed while her parents, Earl and Valerie Washington, argued, Kerry reached her breaking point. Venturing into the living room, she mustered the courage to shout, "Stop! Please, stop!" This rare display of vulnerability prompted her mother to shed tears, a sight Kerry had witnessed only once before.

Kerry considered the moment to be of great significance. She shared that her mother had envisioned a different life for herself, one that involved having 2.5 children, nice cars, and being actively involved in her community and family. Her goal was to create a perfect and successful African American household, filled with happiness and love. However, Kerry revealed her mother's feelings of failure in achieving this ideal. The conversation took a sudden turn when her mother mentioned a gift from her father, a homemade spa machine, but Kerry couldn't help but fear the worst as she imagined her mother's life at risk if the machine ended up in the bathtub.

The following day, Kerry's parents appeared to have completely disregarded their argument. She still had the thought of discussing the possibility of living with her Aunt, but ultimately failed to pursue it.

Kerry expressed, "I made the decision to confine myself to my room during nighttime as the overwhelming internal beat haunted me, making it difficult for me to fall asleep. Comparatively, my parents' conflicts seemed insignificant when compared to the intense inner struggle I was facing."

Due to her parents' ongoing conflicts, Kerry experienced heightened privacy and withdrawal, and felt trapped due to her panic attacks. In response, she adopted a persona of being the "good girl" and the perfect child, using these roles as a means to cope. Kerry believed that if her parents were unable to love themselves and each other, her perfection could serve as a vessel for them to experience love through her, as she was their cherished dream.

Thicker Than Water hits shelves on September 26.