Unveiling the Secrets of Pick-me Girls
The term 'Pick-me girls' refers to individuals, often women, who seek external validation, particularly from men, by doing everything to please them This article explores the origins of this social media term and highlights the potential harms associated with its use
Sign up for CNN's Life, But Better newsletter for weekly inspiration and tips on living well in a simple way. You'll receive information and tools to improve your overall well-being. At the middle school drop-off for her 11 and 12-year-old daughters, Amy frequently learns the latest tween terminology.
"The Florida mother of two overheard her daughters discussing a classmate, describing her as annoying because she exhibits pick-me girl behavior," said Amy, who chose not to disclose her last name for privacy reasons. Her daughters were referring to girls who claim they are different from other girls and prefer to be seen as "one of the guys."
Who are the pick-me girls?
The term is used to describe a girl who does everything for external, mostly male validation.
Clinical psychologist Regine Galanti, founder of Long Island Behavioral Psychology in Long Island, New York, and the author of the young adult nonfiction book "Anxiety Relief for Teens," noted that the behavior of "putting her friends down in a way that doesn't seem like putting down her friends" is characteristic of individuals who identify as pick-me girls. Galanti explained that this behavior is often unrecognized by those who display it, as it is generally seen as an insult rather than a self-identification. People who exhibit this behavior typically do not come forward and label themselves as pick-me girls, but rather only react to being referred to as one by others and deny the accusation.
The use of "pick-me" girl as a derogatory term has been criticized for being problematic and misogynistic, leading to a rise in an anti-pick-me trend on social media. Galanti noted that the term's prevalence on social media only further harms those it is used against.
"Seeking validation from others in the person you are in a relationship with is not an ideal situation," she explained. "While most individuals may eventually grow out of this behavior, turning them into a meme only serves to worsen their feelings." This social media term is based on genuine emotions.
Back in 2005, Meredith Grey implored Derek Shepherd to "pick me" on the show "Grey's Anatomy," and the pick-me girl term was born.
The term "Pick me. Choose me. Love me." is said to have originated from a 2005 episode of "Grey's Anatomy," in which Ellen Pompeo's character Meredith Grey pleads with Patrick Dempsey's character Derek Shepherd to prioritize her over his wife.
The hashtag #pickmegirl has recently gained popularity on social media, with over 3.4 billion views. According to the Womens Media Center, the hashtag #tweetlikeapickme first gained traction on X (formerly known as Twitter) in 2016. Memes on social media mock pick-me girls with exaggerated lines such as "I'll have pizza, not like my friends who only eat salad, and I like baking cookies. I don't know why other girls don't like it," said Galanti.
She stated that the situation becomes even worse when people turn it into a TikTok meme, especially for girls who are accused of being "pick-me girls." This is due to the fact that the emotions connected to the meme are genuine.
A teenage student is the victim of cyber bullying, looking sad
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Adolescence presents the main challenge of self-discovery, leading to an identity crisis, as Galanti explained. To truly understand oneself, it is necessary to explore and experiment with various identities. She noted that teenagers often feel it is acceptable to modify their behavior to fit in with others, but being too obvious about it can lead to being labeled as a "pick-me" girl.
"They are in the process of discovering their identity, and there is a misconception that they are constantly seeking validation from others," Galanti explained. "It's important for them to seek validation from within themselves instead."
Ultimately, these girls are simply attempting to belong. Galanti emphasized that labeling them as "pick-me girls" is derogatory and should be refrained from.
An empathetic approach
"I believe its important to approach this topic with empathy and understanding," said life coach Bayu Prihandito, founder of online coaching service, Life Architekture.
"People, particularly young women as they mature, are challenged to navigate a society inundated with conflicting messages about their value, identity, and expected roles," he stated in an email. "Add to that the influence of social media, the usual culprit, which magnifies these messages and fosters an environment in which external validation is not only desired but often feels indispensable."
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Prihandito advocates for a more empathetic and supportive dialogue about the "pick-me girl" phenomenon, moving away from criticism and towards genuine encouragement and empowerment.
The term can have a particularly damaging impact on girls who have a genuine interest in the activities they are being mocked for, noted Galanti.
"If you enjoy sports or hanging out with male friends and having a beer, it creates a dilemma where embracing your true self labels you as a 'pick-me' girl," she explained. "It appears to be another means through which young girls are belittling each other."
Most pick-me girls, however, are not trying to belittle other women, according to Galanti.
"They're just trying to find their place in another group," she explained. "Confronting them about it only leaves them feeling lost and unsure of what to do next."
