Red Flags: Unraveling the Signs of Breadcrumbing in Your New Relationship
Discover the dangerous phenomenon of breadcrumbing in today's dating world Learn to identify the signs and protect your mental health Gain insights on healing from this toxic behavior
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The harmful behavior known as "breadcrumbing" involves sporadic acts of attention that ultimately lead to nothing meaningful for the victim, explained Duygu Balan, a psychotherapist specializing in trauma and attachment wounding in the San Francisco Bay Area. According to Dr. Monica Vermani, a Canada-based clinical psychologist and author, breadcrumbing is a form of manipulation where one person feigns interest and acts as though they are sincerely invested in a relationship, when in reality they are not.
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Some individuals intentionally engage in misleading behavior for attention, validation, or control, or to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without full commitment. This manipulation prevents the other person from seeking a more genuine and reliable connection, keeping them hopeful and focused on the manipulator, according to Vermani. On the other hand, some individuals may struggle with conflicting desires or intimacy issues stemming from their upbringing or past trauma. These individuals may also feel inadequate and incapable of sustaining healthy, genuine relationships.
Breadcrumbing can occur within familial relationships and the workplace, but it is most prevalent in romantic situations, according to Balan. This is especially true with the increasing popularity of online dating, where individuals can easily provide fleeting moments of connection and affection through a brief call, text, or like on a post.
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The effectiveness of breadcrumbing in keeping someone trapped in the perpetrator's corner is rooted in the psychology principle of "intermittent reinforcement," which mirrors the addictive cycle and success of gambling behavior. Dr. Kelly Campbell, a psychology professor at California State University, San Bernardino, compared it to the occasional small wins on a slot machine that keep players engaged in hopes of experiencing that success again, as opposed to not winning at all. According to experts, the long-term impact of breadcrumbing can be extremely detrimental, especially when it persists for years.
Heres how to recognize when youre being breadcrumbed, and how to move on if the time comes.
On the hook and on the shelf
In the professional setting, you could be experiencing breadcrumbing if your supervisor consistently offers high praise and vague promises of career advancement that never come to fruition, according to Vermani.
"A friend might pretend to be interested and connected without any genuine desire to spend time together, travel, or develop a meaningful friendship, only reaching out when they need something from you," she continued. "In these situations, the person being manipulated often feels taken advantage of and not truly valued by their manipulator."
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In romantic relationships, you may receive texts, poems, playlists, compliments, and thoughtful gestures related to shared interests. However, the person's attentiveness may wane over time, and plans to go on dates or commit to each other may not materialize as often as expected. In such cases, the victims often find themselves taking the initiative in making plans.
Some experienced "breadcrumbers," Vermani noted, may be evasive about their whereabouts and occupation, making themselves seem unattainable.
"However, if the recipient of the breadcrumbs expresses unhappiness and a wish to move on, the breadcrumber often becomes surprisingly interested, with the intention of keeping their target intrigued, only to eventually leave them hanging once again."
An insidious emotional impact
Breadcrumbing can create tremendous confusion and distress for the target, Vermani said.
"Over time, the target experiences emotional manipulation, deceit, and disrespect," she explained. "They may feel anxious, sad, confused, lonely, inadequate, abandoned, embarrassed...hopeless and hopeful, angry and unworthy of love or attention."
Consequently, a person might accept minimal attention, believing it to be normal or what they deserve, thereby reducing their expectations of relationships. This can lead to continually seeking out relationships with familiar patterns and hindering oneself from finding something better, Campbell noted.
Healing from breadcrumbing
If breadcrumbing is happening in a relationship thats important to you, confronting the person is worth it, Campbell said.
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She suggested giving them the chance to acknowledge and rectify their actions, demonstrating that it was a mistake and assuring that they will improve in the future. "They can't read minds, so they may not realize the impact of their behavior. If you've communicated your concerns and they still don't make an effort to change, then it may be time to move on." If moving on from the person becomes necessary, recovery may be challenging, but it is possible.
It is important to recognize breadcrumbing as the first and most crucial step, according to experts. Understanding the root cause of why you are tolerating such mistreatment is essential for starting the journey of building self-esteem. Seeking guidance from a mental health professional can be particularly beneficial.
Therapy can also be valuable in helping you understand what a healthy relationship looks like, which may differ from what you are used to, explained Balan. A therapist should consistently acknowledge, empathize, take responsibility, genuinely listen, and show care. Additionally, they should apologize and prioritize the person's emotions when they fall short.
Balan emphasized the importance of a genuine and organic connection in a healthy relationship, stating, "If it doesn't come organically, if it doesn't come from the person's heart ... just doing the act for the act itself without the emotions and the commitment is actually quite meaningless."
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Look at people as they truly are and "release your false hope," advised Vermani. Cut off communication with the individual as their reappearance can draw you back into the addictive cycle.
"People in pain often affect those around them," Vermani explained. "Do not take their actions personally. Remember, people reveal themselves, not you."
If you find yourself in the position of being the one leading someone on, seek guidance from a therapist to delve into your intimacy and commitment issues. Alternatively, if you're simply not ready for a serious relationship, it's best to have an open and honest conversation with someone who is also looking for something casual and pressure-free.
