Approaching the Conversation: Discussing STIs with a New Partner
Navigating the topic of STIs with a new partner can be nerve-wracking. Discover effective strategies to address STI status and testing openly and confidently, prioritize your health, and recognize warning signs during the conversation.
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You’ve started dating someone new and things are going well. But have you discussed their sexual health status yet?
Maybe you don’t want to ruin the moment or make the other person feel judged. And since they haven’t said they have a sexually transmitted infection, they’re probably fine, right?
Maybe not.
Sexual health is a crucial aspect of our overall well-being. Dr. Janet Brito, a psychologist and sex therapist at the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health in Honolulu, emphasizes that discussing sexual health with a potential partner should be as natural as talking about our interests and hobbies.
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Bringing up topics related to sexual health can be tricky because they are often considered taboo and value-based. There may be fears about how the other person will perceive you or about potentially shaming them for their sexual choices.
Regardless of these concerns, it is crucial to be assertive about your own health, especially as rates of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) have been increasing in recent years. Taking control of your own health is better than leaving it up to someone else to decide for you.
Some of the most common STIs include HPV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and herpes.
Dr. Germaine Earle-Cruickshanks, an ob-gyn at Mount Auburn Hospital in Cambridge, Massachusetts, warns that assuming your partner is STI-free just because they haven't mentioned it or don't show symptoms is risky. Some people may not disclose their sexual health status due to shame or selfishness. Additionally, many STIs like gonorrhea, chlamydia, and herpes can be asymptomatic for a period of time.
It's much better to prevent getting STIs than dealing with health issues later on. Some STIs like HIV, hepatitis B, and HPV cannot be cured and can cause serious health problems like infertility or even be life-threatening, as Earle-Cruickshanks mentioned.
With that in mind, here are some tips for discussing STI status and testing.
When discussing sexual health, experts emphasize the importance of the setting for the conversation. It is recommended to have the discussion in a calm environment rather than waiting until right before engaging in sexual activity.
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When you're in the heat of the moment, you may not be thinking clearly. Mentioning it then could also make things awkward, leading you to brush off the issue and deal with the consequences later.
Experts advise against using accusatory or shameful language when discussing someone's cleanliness. According to Earle-Cruickshanks, the term "clean" can have derogatory implications, suggesting that being "dirty" is the opposite. She also points out that not all sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are a result of behavior, as some are universal. It's important to be mindful of the language we use when addressing these topics.
Instead of blaming them, try speaking kindly to encourage open discussion and show that you are taking ownership of your own health.
According to Brito, using the sandwich method for difficult conversations can be effective. For example, you could start by saying, "I care about you and I'm looking forward to doing this together. However, I believe in getting tested for my health to avoid any issues in the future. When was the last time you got tested?"
To make the conversation feel more comfortable, Earle-Cruickshanks suggests getting tested before and showing your results to your partner. It's also helpful to share if you've been feeling anxious about discussing the topic.
When it comes to your partner's reaction, it's important to approach it with understanding and empathy.
Don't just assume everything is good to go if your new partner tells you they've been tested. It's important to have a conversation about when the tests were done, what they were for, and what the results were. You should also discuss if either of you have been sexually active with other people since then.
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If someone tested negative for STIs but had recent sexual activity before the test, it is recommended to get retested three months later, especially in high-risk situations with multiple partners, to ensure no new infections have developed, such as HIV, according to Earle-Cruickshanks.
If your partner has not been tested, it is important to discuss getting tested before engaging in sexual activities. Depending on your relationship, you can suggest getting tested together and have a conversation about when and where you both feel comfortable doing so, suggested by Brito.
Waiting until then is the safest option, according to experts. However, if you decide to proceed in the heat of the moment, it is important to use as much protection as possible - such as condoms or dental dams. Alternatively, you can engage in activities that only involve the use of hands to avoid any contact with bodily fluids.
When your partner is hesitant about getting tested, it is essential to understand their reasons. You can start by acknowledging their hesitancy and inquire about the underlying reasons. It could be related to concerns about being seen at a testing site, financial constraints, or not knowing where to go. In such cases, you can suggest alternative testing locations and even offer to cover the cost.
Whether your partner's test occurred before or during your relationship, it is important to see the official documented and dated proof of the results, according to Brito. It would be ideal if your partner willingly shows you the results, but if not, there should be no issue in asking for them.
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If anyone gives you a hard time about protecting your health or delays getting tested, those could be warning signs indicating a deeper issue regarding trust and respect for a partner's wishes, according to Earle-Cruickshanks.
According to Brito, if someone is dismissive of what is important to you, it may not be a good idea to pursue a relationship with them. Trust your intuition and listen to your gut feeling if something doesn't feel right, as people usually have a sense of what is best for them.
If one of you has an STI, it's important to have an open and honest conversation about it. You could say, “It sounds like this is something you’ve been having a hard time doing. As much as I care about you and like you, I’m not going to be able to move forward with you because I’m not comfortable being sexual with you without us both being tested.”
If one of you tests positive for an STI, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Brito said that there are many STIs that have really bad stigmas but actually don’t cause any long-term problems, as mentioned by Earle-Cruickshanks.
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It is important for both partners to communicate with a doctor about the diagnosis, potential effects, and available treatment options. For guidance on how to discuss your diagnosis with a partner and for additional information on dating with an STI, check out this article.
If your partner has a history of honesty and open communication with you, and you have seen positive results together, there may not be a need to end the relationship, Brito explained.
While a positive test result can be frightening and may bring up negative emotions, having a history of working through challenges together can make facing this situation together worth it.
Editor's P/S:
The article highlights the crucial importance of discussing sexual health and STI status with new partners to safeguard our well-being. It emphasizes that open and honest communication is essential for protecting ourselves from potentially harmful infections. However, it also acknowledges the complexities and sensitivities surrounding these discussions, including concerns about judgment and the potential for awkwardness or discomfort.
The article provides valuable guidance on approaching these conversations respectfully and effectively, suggesting the use of the "sandwich method" and avoiding accusatory or shameful language. It also stresses the importance of seeking medical advice for proper testing and treatment, and encourages understanding and empathy when navigating positive test results. Ultimately, the article empowers individuals to prioritize their sexual health and make informed decisions that promote their well-being and the well-being of their partners.
