The Dark Side of the Festive Season

As the holiday season draws near, many envision the ideal gathering: the comforting scents of homemade meals, the joyful laughter of loved ones, and a sense of gratitude that comes naturally.

But for certain individuals, this period feels like the complete opposite. It is a time of anxiety, emotional upheaval, or profound solitude that bears no resemblance to the conventional celebration of unity.

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According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 66% of people experience loneliness during the holidays, and 64% of those with mental illness feel that the holidays worsen their condition. As a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist, I witness these issues firsthand far too often.

What contributes to this widespread sense of isolation and distress during this time of year? Many individuals may live far from their families or lack the means to travel to see them. Some are coping with the loss of loved ones or navigating strained relationships, and the holidays can serve as a painful reminder of those challenges. Additionally, for some, the holiday season brings together families who would prefer to be apart. Whatever the reason, the impact of the holidays on our mental well-being can be significant.

If this resonates with you, you are not alone. And if your experience during this season is the complete opposite, keep in mind that your friends, coworkers, or even strangers might be struggling during the holidays.

Comprehending and dealing with feelings of loneliness

Although the holiday season is often depicted as a time for family and social gatherings, this expectation can unintentionally heighten feelings of isolation. This is true for individuals who are alone as well as those who are surrounded by loved ones. The issue is that loneliness is literally deadly. According to US surgeon general Dr. Vivek Murthy, loneliness can be as detrimental to your health as smoking daily. It can elevate the risk of mental health conditions, stroke, heart disease, and even premature death.

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Fortunately, there are ways to address the feeling of loneliness during the holiday season. The first step is to acknowledge and identify the feeling, allowing it to pass through instead of resisting it. Resisting the feeling often causes it to linger longer than desired, while allowing it to flow through can help it dissipate.

Then, it may be helpful to determine the root cause of the feeling. Is it connected to the loss of a loved one, negative childhood experiences, or comparing oneself to others and feeling inadequate? Identifying the source of the feeling can provide insight and help in addressing it.

Once the trigger for the emotion is identified, try to have a compassionate inner dialogue, as you would with a friend. Remind yourself that it's okay to grieve and that comparing yourself to others is a distraction; consider putting aside social media. Remember that you have some control and can invest in relationships if you truly want to.

Lastly, seek ways to connect with others in the moment. Is there a friend you haven't texted in a while? Or a group activity you could join to feel part of a community? If you don't have existing connections to turn to, a brief interaction with a stranger can also be effective. Chat with someone outside of your home, or better yet, offer to help or give something to a stranger. The sense of connection it can create may surprise you, and it's good for your health.

Gratitude, reflection, and... frustration?

Despite the emphasis on reflection and gratitude during this time of year, for some individuals, it evokes a different emotion altogether: frustration. Frustration towards family members whose gatherings resurface unresolved tensions. Frustration towards loved ones who abandoned them in the past. Or frustration about life not unfolding as expected.

Anger is different than rage, and there are ways you can keep things from escalating, experts said.

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of anger in a healthy way is essential for your well-being. Instead of bottling up your emotions, consider finding a respectful and constructive outlet to express your anger. This could involve having a conversation with a loved one to work through past hurt, or writing down your feelings in a letter that you may never send. The act of getting your thoughts out of your mind and onto paper can serve as a cathartic release. Whether you choose to tear up the letter and discard it, or visualize your anger leaving you as you destroy it, finding an outlet for your anger is crucial for your emotional health.

Navigating the holiday season can feel like walking a tightrope, trying to meet the expectations set by society and yourself. The pressure to have the perfect turkey and flawless family gatherings, inspired by holiday movies and social media, can overshadow the true essence of gratitude and togetherness. These unrealistic standards often result in unnecessary stress and feelings of inadequacy for many people.

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To free yourself from the cycle of comparison and unrealistic expectations, first recognize that perfection is unattainable and not the focus of the holiday season. Embrace the imperfections. Experiment with new, laid-back, and lighthearted traditions and habits each year just for the joy of it.

It's important to establish boundaries with family and friends who have high expectations of you. Whether it's your aunt's opinions on your attire, your mother's critiques of your cooking, or your father-in-law's demands on your time, it's crucial to prepare in advance for how you will respond when they push your boundaries.

This holiday season may pose challenges for many individuals, for various reasons. If you find yourself experiencing discomfort during the holidays, I urge you to create a space for those emotions.

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If you're feeling down, be kind to yourself and find ways to prioritize your mental health. This could involve cozying up with a blanket and enjoying some movies, journaling, listening to music, engaging in art, or reaching out to a friend. Identify what you need to get through this tough time. And if nothing else is effective, seek help from a professional.

The holiday season can be a joyous time for some, but not for others. By promoting a culture of empathy and understanding for all the emotions that come with this time of year, we have the opportunity to bring our communities closer together and support each other when it truly counts. Take the opportunity to subscribe to CNN's Life, But Better newsletter for weekly inspiration and resources aimed at enhancing your overall well-being.