How to Respond Gracefully to Offensive Remarks at Holiday Dinner: Insights from Professionals
Expert tips for gracefully handling uncomfortable comments at holiday dinners Prepare thoughtful responses in advance to maintain your composure when faced with weight-related remarks, questions about your relationship status, political discussions, and knowing when it's time to leave
Sign up for CNN's Life, But Better newsletter to receive weekly inspiration and resources for living well. Get ready to face comments and questions from friends and family with confidence as the table is set and everyone gathers near.
Maybe the remarks are about food, your weight, money, relationships, career or kidswhatever the topic may be, the position youre in isnt unusual.
Wear a mask if you need to go out, and consider staying home if possible, advises Allison Hope. We don't have to accept plausible deniability as our legacy, as it will lead to our downfall.
Christmas shouldn't be a time to send Grandma to the ICU.
According to Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, a psychologist from Connecticut, the holidays can be stress-inducing for many due to the anticipation of conflict or inappropriate interrogation.
Instead of bottling up frustration or reacting negatively, she advises establishing clear boundaries.
"Setting boundaries may feel confrontational, but it's really just a way of expressing your needs and preferences," explained Kami Orange, a boundary coach located in southern Utah.
Boundaries can be challenging, but with a little preparation, you can learn to respond instead of reacting in order to safeguard your emotions, Orange suggested. Here's a guide to help you get started this holiday season.
The holidays aren't totally joyous for everyone, Capanna-Hodge said.
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Plan ahead
Step one is to make a plan, said therapist Jennifer Rollin, founder of The Eating Disorder Center in Rockville, Maryland.
Prepare for the gathering by considering your own needs and potential triggering comments from friends or relatives," she advised. "Decide ahead of time what comments might trigger you and plan out your responses," Rollin suggested.
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5 tips for taming travel tension over the holidays
Consider identifying your objectives for the evening, suggested Capanna-Hodge. While you may not be able to reconcile everyone, you can still make the most of your time by reconnecting with your seldom-seen aunt or bonding with your nephew, she pointed out.
"You won't be able to resolve decades of family issues over Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner," Capanna-Hodge advised.
To minimize conflict, prepare a list of safe topics to steer the conversation away from potentially contentious subjects, recommends Capanna-Hodge. It can also be beneficial to have a pre-holiday discussion about conversation boundaries. Additionally, communicating with "I" statements such as "I feel uncomfortable discussing this topic when we're together" can help soften your response and avoid coming across as accusatory.
Don't hesitate to inject some enjoyment into it. Consider creating a jar where people can deposit money when taboo topics are brought up, or have a good laugh with a bingo board with your partner or siblings, suggested Capanna-Hodge.
You can download a bingo board here and fill in the anticipated comments, or take a screenshot and mark it up on your phone.
Did you put on weight? or Should you be going for seconds?
Whether critical or well meaning, comments about weight or whats on your plate can be triggering, Rollin said.
"It is crucial to reframe your thinking and understand that people's comments about food and weight reveal more about them than about you," she explained. "Often, those who are preoccupied with their own bodies and eating habits are the ones most likely to comment on others."
As we enter the winter holiday season, shame-based diet culture pressure often increases, writes Katie Hurley.
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Avoid promoting unhealthy eating habits to your teenagers during this holiday season. When Rollin was directly told, "I understand your enthusiasm for your diet, but I am focused on repairing my relationship with food, so let's avoid discussing it," he responded.
You can also respond to weight loss questions in a more lighthearted manner, such as saying "I'm just grateful for all the amazing things my body does for me each day" or "I don't really pay much attention to my weight." If the conversation about body-shaming persists and you feel uncomfortable, empower yourself to excuse yourself from the discussion, as suggested by Rollin.
Why are you still single?
When it comes to comments about your love life or lack thereof, Orange has a unique approach. She prefers to give the person inquiring two chances. If someone brings it up for the first time, she recommends redirecting the conversation to something they both enjoy discussing.
Orange suggested using a response such as "When I figure it out, I'll let you know" the second time, to subtly and gently convey that you do not wish to continue the conversation.
Baking is a great way to reduce stress and reconnect with others.
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The holiday season often brings on a lot of stress. Try these self-care tips to help you feel more relaxed and at ease. When speaking privately with someone, you can address the topic directly to try and reduce further discussion on it.
Orange recommends advocating for oneself by setting a clear boundary with a statement such as, "I understand that you meant (X), but the result of (Y) made me feel uncomfortable. In the future, could you please refrain from doing that?" Additionally, Orange suggests redirecting the conversation towards more helpful behaviors.
When are you (getting married/having kids)?
Remarks about marriage or growing your family can really amp up the pressure, but often they come from a place of love and excitement, Orange said.
"Your love for love is truly inspiring! It's clear that you want everyone to experience the same happiness in their relationships. By the way, could you remind me how you and Uncle Gary first met?" she asked.
Stress from endless lists and holiday events can negatively impact your children, but open communication can help.
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1 out of every 5 parents confess that their stress levels negatively affect their children's holiday experience, as indicated by a recent survey.
However, even with good intentions, certain questions can inadvertently cause pain, such as when inquiring about family expansion to someone struggling with infertility.
When trying to conceive, it's important to have an open discussion with your partner about your comfort level in sharing personal information, advises Rachel Gurevich, a nurse and fertility writer. If the conversation becomes uncomfortable, you can politely redirect or use humor to change the subject.
Or, if you trust those who are asking, you can open up and ask for the support you need, Gurevich said.
Can you believe that election?
Some people can talk diplomatically about politics, religion and other sensitive topicssome cannot.
But how do you shut down talk that takes it too far?
Photo Taken In New York City, United States
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More tinsel and less tension: How to get the best out of the holiday season
Orange advised against engaging in arguments, while Capanna-Hodge suggested ignoring or changing the subject. If necessary, address the disagreement directly or simply state a differing perspective.
When its time to go
What about if youve tried all those statements and you still find yourself not having a good time?
"Sometimes the physical removal of yourself from a situation is the best boundary," Orange said.
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Dealing with holiday stress for your dog can be challenging. Here's a helpful approach. It doesn't have to result in a blowup. You might even want to plan an excuse in advance that will allow you to leave once the fun stops, she added.
"Holidays are about connection, and if that connection feels awful, it doesnt have to happen," Capanna-Hodge said.
