What to Do After Losing Your Temper with Your Child

Editors note: "Shift Your Mindset" is a fresh series by CNN's Mindfulness, But Better team. Our aim is to engage in conversations with specialists on innovative approaches to enhance our lives.

Have you ever found yourself losing your temper with your child? Let's be honest, it's happened to all of us. The good news is that there are strategies we can adopt to repair our relationship with our children, or anyone else for that matter, and mend the disruptions caused by outbursts of anger.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, a renowned clinical psychologist and the author of the bestselling book "Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want To Be," is known as the "parenting whisperer." In her compelling new TED Talk, Dr. Kennedy emphasizes the significance of healing the strained relationships we may have with our children, highlighting that it is never too late. She introduces her audience to the most crucial parenting strategy she calls "repair," which involves prioritizing connection over consequences. By rewiring our children's brains through moments of repair, Dr. Kennedy explains how we as parents can rewrite the outcome of challenging parenting situations. This approach not only allows us to take responsibility for our actions and reactions, but it also fosters resilience and a strong sense of self in our children.

This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.

Kennedy provides a child-rearing framework that fosters relationships in "Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want To Be."

Two Things Inc.

CNN: How does a parent or guardian repair the relationship after yelling at their child?

Dr. Becky Kennedy: Repairing involves reconnecting with the child after a moment of disconnection. When we approach our children with empathy and understanding after losing our temper, we reshape their memory of the incident. By offering support, kindness, and comprehension after criticism, shouting, or misunderstanding, we help eliminate any beliefs our children may have formed that they are alone or inherently flawed.

Begin by offering an apology. Then, clarify and acknowledge the event to assure them it was not imagined. Express what you would have done differently and outline your intended approach to handling similar situations in the future.

CNN: You mention that repairing modifies the neural connections in a child's brain. Can post-event communication with our child impact the recall of a preexisting memory?

Kennedy: Memory is not simply a process of recalling events; it resembles more of a game of telephone. Each time an event from our past is remembered, our brain networks undergo changes that alter the recollection of that event. This is where therapy becomes beneficial. By revisiting distressing experiences when we experienced overwhelming feelings of loneliness, and doing so within the context of a secure and connected relationship, we are able to attribute meaning to those experiences and begin to make connections. The therapeutic bond transforms the memory, making it less overpowering. Although the event itself remains unchanged, its impact on our physical and emotional being is altered.

Kennedy, who is known as a "parenting whisperer," encourages open communication between parents and children.

Two Things Inc.

Repair is the essence of addressing this phenomenon. When I express anger towards my child or utter regrettable words, it is highly likely that they experience feelings of fear, overwhelm, and isolation. However, if I am able to clarify afterwards why such an incident occurred and reassure them that it was not their fault, the bond, affection, security, and empathy they receive from me will be ingrained within them alongside the distressing event. By engaging in repair, the intensity of their memory regarding the event will be diminished, and feelings of self-blame will be alleviated.

CNN: According to your writing, repair can occur regardless of whether it is 10 minutes, 10 days, or even 10 years after a heated outburst. Why is repair never too late?

Kennedy: Some individuals have expressed to me sentiments such as, "I feel as though I constantly yelled at my child for 11 consecutive years. I don't believe I truly got to understand him, and now my child is already 20." Frequently, parents tend to descend into feelings of guilt and self-blame following moments that were less than satisfactory. Such thinking simply strips us of our ability to take control. However, we can put an end to the downward spiral of "I am a terrible parent" by actively improving the situation.

It is important for parents to realize that even the tiniest step towards repairing the relationship can have a significant impact on our children and the bond we share with them. In the conclusion of my TED Talk, I guide the entire audience through an exercise in which they imagine their parents making a meaningful repair. Many individuals have shared with me that just the thought of their parents acknowledging certain painful experiences from their shared past evokes emotional responses. This demonstrates the profound effect that a powerful repair can have on our relationship with our children, regardless of how late it may seem.

Aggressive parent. Father's shadow yelling on a small child. Child is in distress.

tomazl/E+/Getty Images

Adults shouting at children can be as harmful to a childs development as sexual or physical abuse, study finds

Content must be rewritten in English:

We may have a cynical perspective, saying, "Sure, like that moment will make a difference." However, it may not change everything. It will bring about changes in some areas, which is a step towards overall change. Starting with small moments that have significant impact can lead us down a new path. I assure you, there are actions you can take today to enhance your relationship with your child.

CNN: Is it necessary for parents to vocalize their regrets in order to repair the damage? What if a moment of anger is followed by a cozy moment on the couch or another form of reconnection?

Kennedy: Maya Angelou famously said, "It's not what you say or do, but how you make others feel that they remember." Providing a sense of repair can greatly benefit children, transforming their feelings of loneliness, overwhelm, and confusion into a sense of safety, grounding, and connection. Offering comfort to your child through a loving gesture, like a snuggle, is a truly heartwarming action. I would never discourage a parent from doing so, or dismiss it as insufficient.

However, it's important to recognize that the emotions experienced during the moment of rupture still linger. Humans innately crave narratives; they are fundamental to our nature. Stories are the means through which we give meaning to our emotions. When we fail to provide our children with a story to help them understand the discord, they will likely create their own. Children often default to self-doubt, believing they consistently misunderstand their surroundings, or self-blame, feeling unlovable because their parent yelled at them.

Instead, I encourage parents to acknowledge the influence they hold in reshaping the narratives our children construct. They can do so by communicating, "I understand that I faced difficulties. I apologize for raising my voice. I should have taken a moment to better handle my emotions."

CNN: What is your response to concerns from parents who fear that this methodology might fail to impart the notion of accountability to children?

Kennedy suggests that rather than focusing solely on the consequences of an action, it would be more productive to examine the events preceding what we perceive as "bad behavior." These behaviors are a result of certain triggers. By understanding the circumstances leading up to an action, we stand a better chance of influencing change.

Critics argue that children must face the consequences of their actions in the real world. However, I believe that my child will not exhibit such behavior in the real world because they have acquired the necessary skills to modify their conduct. I do not believe children consciously choose to engage in negative behaviors such as hitting their siblings or expressing hatred towards their mothers. Instead, they become overwhelmed by their emotions, which then manifest in their actions.

Here's a frequent example I encounter: "I repeatedly ask my child in a calm manner to wear their shoes. However, when they fail to comply, I resort to yelling at them. What responsibility does my child have in this situation?"

Caring mother and dad supporting sad teen son sitting on bench in park, crisis

Ievgen Chabanov/Adobe Stock

Why Having Difficult Emotions Benefits Teenagers

To address the issue of a teenager not listening, it is more productive to assess the underlying reasons behind their behavior. Reflecting on the situation, I would communicate with my teenager in a more constructive manner, saying, "Mornings have become chaotic and it is disheartening to have to repeatedly ask you to do something. I am sorry for raising my voice yesterday. Even when I am frustrated, it is not appropriate for me to yell at you. I believe we both desire more pleasant mornings. Let's brainstorm... I wonder what adjustments can be made to make it easier for you to put on your shoes? I bet you have some ideas as well."

Believing in your child as a willing collaborator, capable of problem-solving, will instill a sense of goodwill and shape them into a confident individual.

CNN: How do repair and apology differ?

An apology has the potential to close down conversation, for example, when someone says, "I'm sorry I yelled. Can we move on?" However, a good repair can actually open up conversation. The most important aspect of repair is the impact it has on the other person. When we repair with someone, it strengthens our relationship with them. In the end, it leaves people feeling like they have gained new knowledge, a better understanding, and a closer connection to the person. We can judge the effectiveness of the repair by the resulting feeling.

CNN: Parenting is often a shared responsibility between two parents. But what if one parent is focused on repairing something, while the other is not? Is it possible for one parent to repair the situation on behalf of the other?

Kennedy: It is indeed possible to repair on behalf of another person, all without placing blame on them. When I find myself unsure of what to say, I remind myself to be honest. For example, I might say to my child, "I heard Grandma (or) Dad raise their voice at you earlier, and that must have been scary for you. It's never acceptable for someone to yell at you." Following that, I would likely add, "Your dad finds it difficult to apologize, but I believe it's because he feels really bad and struggles to express it to you." This approach ensures that no one is seen as the villain, and my child gains a better understanding of the situation without feeling guilty. Simply stating the truth can bring relief to the entire family dynamic.

Jessica DuLong is a multi-talented professional hailing from Brooklyn, New York. Her diverse expertise includes journalism, book collaboration, writing coaching, and she has authored impactful works such as "Saved at the Seawall: Stories From the September 11 Boat Lift" and "My River Chronicles: Rediscovering the Work That Built America."