Understanding the Mental Load: Men's Perspective and Involvement
Discover the concept of mental load and its impact on relationships Explore how sharing responsibilities can lead to a stronger bond Beat the monotony of daily chores and find ways to stay organized Stay ahead of the game during the holiday season Find balance, harmony, and happiness
Join CNNs Stress, But Less newsletter and discover a comprehensive six-part mindfulness guide that will enlighten and motivate you to decrease stress levels while effectively mastering its power. As Zachary Watson observed the aromatic blueberry muffins emerging from his wife's oven, plumes of steam gracefully ascended from their alluring golden exteriors.
"Are these too hot to give to the baby?" he asked her.
"Immediately as that came out of my mouth, Im thinking to myself, Why the hell did I just ask that? I know the answer to that," Watson said.
It may appear to be a simple request from his wife, Alyssa, to consider whether the muffins were prepared for their child. However, forming routines like these can make one partner feel like they bear the majority of the mental burden, he stated.
Romantic moment at a cafe
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Expressing gratitude helps to preserve the vitality of our romantic love. In Marlborough, Massachusetts, a father and content creator has been documenting his efforts to distribute the mental load, which includes tasks that require planning, preparation, and organization, more evenly with his wife in order to sustain the well-being of their family.
Men are increasingly taking responsibility for themselves and, like Watson, turning to the internet to educate other men on assuming a greater mental workload. The objective is to become more actively involved partners and fathers, while also cultivating a stronger bond with their families.
According to the feedback gathered from the comments on his videos, Watson has observed that numerous women have been advocating for such discussions and that many men have found them advantageous, he revealed.
Watson stated that he has reviewed "approximately 100,000 comments over the past two years. Many of these comments express, This is precisely why I ended my marriage," referring to the imbalanced burden of emotional labor that one partner may bear in maintaining a relationship or family.
Understanding the concept of emotional labor within a family dynamic and how to distribute these responsibilities is not limited to "inadequate husbands," as stated by Eve Rodsky, the author of "Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much To Do (and More Life To Live)." Any partner could find themselves contributing less due to their upbringing or societal expectations regarding their obligations, she noted.
"Even partners with the best intentions still fail to shoulder their fair share of responsibilities at home," stated Rodsky, founder of the Fair Play Policy Institute, a nonprofit organization.
The burdensome tasks that cause sleepless nights.
When you or your partner rests their head on the pillow at night or finds a moment of quiet in a car ride, the mental load is the noise that fills the mind, according to Watson.
What would be the best time to schedule the next appointment with the pediatrician? Can I make it to the grocery store in time to buy food for our guests before their flight arrives? Oh, wait, do they have any food allergies? The baby's favorite stuffed animal is being washed, and he becomes restless without it. Is it necessary to take the dog to the veterinarian?
Rodsky stated in an email that mental load, also known as invisible work, refers to the unnoticed and undervalued behind-the-scenes tasks that ensure the smooth functioning of a home and family. These tasks commonly involve maintaining relationships and managing emotions.
"The problem is that, while important and often meaningful, these acts take significant amounts of time, and women are doing most of them," Rodsky said.
Taking ownership means a better relationship
If your partner is usually the one responsible for keeping track of all the tasks that need to be accomplished, why not try getting more involved by simply asking them to make a list?
By doing so, you are adding another item to your partner's to-do list, and one that may not necessarily make them feel like you are working together as a team, Watson explained.
Rodsky asserted that taking complete ownership of a task, from its inception to completion, is generally more beneficial than only contributing to various aspects of each task. According to her, taking ownership involves not only being responsive to "how can I help?" but also encompasses the cognitive and emotional efforts required by each task, such as anticipating the necessary steps, planning, and retaining information about when, where, and how to accomplish the task. Additionally, this ownership should be independent of excessive supervision or input from the other partner.
More men are acknowledging on social media the ways in which they previously overlooked the burden of mental labor placed on their wives and girlfriends. Watson emphasized the significance of these conversations between men.
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"We need more men to seriously reflect on our actions, recognizing the areas where we are making mistakes," he suggested. "When we witness someone (acknowledging their faults), it becomes easier for us to admit... Perhaps I can set aside my ego for a moment and realize that I'm unknowingly engaging in similar behavior."
Watson mentioned that he receives numerous comments from male viewers on his videos, which showcase examples and explanations of how men can actively contribute to the mental workload at home. These comments highlight the positive impact of implementing these changes in their relationships. Particularly, Watson appreciates the feedback from male viewers who share how they have been able to foster greater communication and empathy with their wives by gaining insight into their partner's behind-the-scenes efforts and actively participating in them.
"If mental load is universally understood, accepted and appreciated, I think we will live in a very different world," Watson said.
The boring meeting
The "boring meeting" played a crucial role in Watson and his wife's efforts to establish a sustainable system for sharing the mental, emotional, and physical tasks involved in maintaining their home and taking care of their family.
It occurs every Monday around lunchtime for them, when they discuss the mundane minutiae of upcoming tasks and necessary changes in their home. They also review the progress of their shared responsibilities, he said.
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"Engaging in these conversations during calm and open moments allows us to proactively address issues before they escalate due to pent-up frustration," Watson advised.
To begin, Watson suggested taking the time to establish the basic level of responsibility for various household tasks. For instance, he and his wife have agreed that doing the dishes entails loading the dishwasher, hand-washing the pots and pans, and wiping down the countertops. Furthermore, they have mutually decided that they don't need to tend to the floors until they can easily pick up dog hair with a pinch of their fingers, considering their fluffy Great Pyrenees dog, Watson explained.
In the weekly meetings, it is crucial to consistently communicate about the progress, emphasized Watson.
According to an email by Rodsky, it is important to bear in mind that implementing a system requires time, thus it is unrealistic to anticipate an immediate shift in workload ownership from your partner. Begin by renegotiating a single household or childcare responsibility, as even just one change can significantly impact the situation.
Rodsky's husband assuming responsibility for the extracurricular sports of their two sons liberated her from an entire workday. "I have reclaimed eight hours per week. Begin with one task and expand gradually," she suggested.
Prepare in advance for the holiday season.
According to Paige Bellenbaum, the founding director of The Motherhood Center in New York City, it is crucial to establish a system in advance for the winter holidays, as it can be a daunting and busy time of the year.
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"This is the most challenging period of the year, particularly for couples with young children," she mentioned. "Unless addressed in advance, it can easily lead to frustration, irritability, and anger. Therefore, my suggestion to couples is to proactively address this issue."
She suggested discussing everyone's expectations for the holiday gatherings, addressing potential challenges, and finding ways to support each other. One suggestion could be creating a signal for when your partner needs to handle the baby and handle questions from your in-laws, allowing you to have some quiet time upstairs with a book for 20 minutes.
Spelling out every detail to your partner may seem frustrating, but effective teams rely on clear communication of expectations and needs, according to Bellenbaum. "How can we safeguard ourselves and develop strategies to prevent overwhelming situations?" she suggested. "Let's be proactive and create a plan."
