The Science-Backed Guide to Practicing Self-Kindness

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It's unlikely that scenario will happen. Most people wouldn't speak to their loved ones in that way. A good and kind friend would offer encouragement during tough times and celebrate their successes. So why is it difficult to treat ourselves with the same kindness?

Let's make it a habit in the new year. By shifting to more positive thought patterns, your words can help to transform you into a kinder and more compassionate person.

The brain tends to focus on negative experiences

The voice of self-doubt can be overwhelming and difficult to tune out. It may insist that we are unworthy of our achievements or dwell on ways we could have performed better.

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Can gratitude be overdone? Sometimes, it seems that less is more. Our brains are wired to focus more on negative experiences than on the positive ones, a trait that helped our ancestors navigate new environments. While most of us aren't facing life-threatening dangers like our ancestors, everyday stressors like work emails and deadlines can still trigger negative self-talk.

Frequent self-criticism can significantly impact self-esteem and increase anxiety, as well as worsen depression. According to Dr. Catherine Franssen, it takes about two months to retrain the brain to break the habit of negative self-talk. By practicing self-kindness, the inner critic can eventually be silenced.

Science-backed ways of practicing self-kindness

Your mind is a place where your inner critic resides for free, but you have the power to manage your thoughts through the practice of mindfulness and meditation. Franssen suggests trying loving-kindness meditation, a guided exercise that incorporates words and imagery to cultivate positive feelings and self-compassion.

Franssen emphasized the simplicity of spending just 10 minutes of your lunch break walking outside and listening to a meditation podcast. When paired with cognitive behavioral therapy, loving-kindness meditation can trigger the brain areas responsible for processing emotions and empathy. This activation may account for the decrease in stress and the increase in positive emotions. "All of these factors will enhance your overall sense of well-being and improve your capacity for kindness in thoughts and actions," Franssen concluded.

Can you find 10 minutes in your day to be kind to yourself?

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While meditation can help reduce negative self-talk, it may still arise at times. Clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Marie Manly, author of the upcoming book "The Joy of Imperfect Love," advises acknowledging when you're in a negative thought pattern. Instead of judging yourself, simply notice that you're being unkind to yourself.

Once you recognize the negative self-talk, Manly and Franssen recommend speaking to yourself as you would to a loved one. For instance, if you didn't complete everything on your to-do list today, rather than scolding yourself, focus on what you did accomplish.

Referring to oneself in the third person creates a psychological distance that helps in controlling self-critical responses and managing emotions. Framing situations as if a best friend is seeking advice increases empathy. Gentle reminders to speak kindly to oneself can foster self-kindness and can be inspired by positive affirmations from social media. Repeating positive affirmations can lead to a more positive inner dialogue.

Give yourself time to silence your inner critic

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Five tips to help you flex your forgiveness muscle

Remember that practicing kindness towards yourself takes time and effort. That's why Manly recommended scheduling regular "gentle timeouts." Taking a 15-minute break to read, meditate, or go for a walk can help reset and feel more centered when feeling stressed or overwhelmed.

Manly added that we tend to prioritize the needs of others over our own, but neglecting self-care makes it difficult to support others effectively.

Jocelyn Solis-Moreira is a New York-based freelance health and science journalist.