Struggling to Sleep Alone? Here's How to Overcome It

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Over the last few years, the idea of a “sleep divorce” for couples has become popular. This highlights the realization that sleeping together as a couple isn’t always as harmonious as expected. However, what if you struggle to fall asleep or stay asleep when your partner isn’t beside you?

It is common for people whose partners have passed away to experience difficulties with sleep, according to Dr. Wendy Troxel, a clinical psychologist based in Utah and senior scientist at the RAND Corporation.

There are various reasons for this, some related to being alone without their partner, while others are connected to the bedtime routine that was shared with their partner, which may have been more helpful for sleep compared to their current routine.

Some people feel their partner's presence benefits their sleep health, experts said.

Some people feel their partner's presence benefits their sleep health, experts said.

Troxel, author of “Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep,” believes that while there has been a lot of attention on couples sleeping apart, the reasons why many couples prefer to sleep together have been overlooked. According to Troxel, there is a psychological drive to sleep with a person, as sleeping together can provide a sense of safety and security that promotes healthy sleep.

Having your partner's gentle breathing, their comforting presence next to you, and the sense of security and protection they provide, especially for women, can help calm your mind and improve your sleep quality.

According to Troxel, feeling safe and secure is crucial for falling asleep easily. One of the most effective ways to achieve this is by following consistent routines and creating a stable environment.

Cuddling, holding hands, or having sex before falling asleep can have a positive physiological effect by stimulating feel-good hormones like oxytocin, which reduces stress, according to Troxel.

Dr. Raj Dasgupta, associate professor of clinical medicine at Huntington Health in Pasadena, California, also points out that engaging in these activities may lead to less screen time before sleep. Sleep experts suggest turning off screens at least 30 minutes before bedtime.

Additionally, “partners also become part of the ritual and routine of going to bed,” Troxel said.

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Having a consistent routine is important for getting a good night's sleep because it helps regulate our body's internal clock and tells our brain it's time to rest, according to experts.

Experts also noted that when you're not having that connection with your partner and feeling less secure, it can lead to higher stress levels.

What you can do about it

According to Dr. Joshua Tal, a clinical psychologist in New York City who focuses on sleep problems, there are times when someone may want to get used to sleeping alone, even if they actually prefer sleeping with their partner. This could be for practical reasons and to maintain a consistent routine when their partner is not around.

Improving your sleep health on your own can be challenging because your partner may not be away long enough for you to practice sleeping independently, according to Tal.

Tal emphasized the importance of giving yourself the opportunity to try sleeping without your partner in order to learn how to sleep well without their presence. After a few nights of struggling to sleep, you may find that you are able to sleep properly without them.

Whether you take more time for yourself to practice or not, there are things you can try to obtain the comfort you need and make sleeping alone easier.

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If you want to feel close to your partner when they're not around, you can try keeping a photo of them or an item that carries their scent nearby, according to Tal. This could be a shirt they recently wore or a pillow sprayed with their cologne or perfume.

Troxel suggests that using a body pillow can help mimic the weight of your partner in bed.

If you're worried about the room being too quiet without your partner's breathing, Tal suggests using fans or white noise machines to mimic the sound.

Some couples choose to sleep separately, or at least begin the night that way, due to differing sleep habits, even if they prefer to sleep together.

If you’re a morning person but your partner’s a night owl, there are ways to compromise. One suggestion is for your partner to cuddle with you until you fall asleep, then quietly leave the room to do their own thing until they’re ready for bed, according to Troxel.

If you and your partner have different preferences when it comes to bedding or mattresses, there are solutions to consider. One option is to use separate blankets. If possible, you could also try using two mattresses of different firmness that can be pushed together, or invest in a mattress with technology that allows for different textures and elevation levels on each side.

Some couples have a routine of saying good night over the phone before going to bed. However, this habit may not always be beneficial, according to Troxel. It is important to be mindful of whether this practice brings comfort or increases feelings of loneliness and longing. Pay attention to what works best for you.

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And of course, following traditional advice for a good night's sleep is crucial, according to Dasgupta. This includes avoiding late meals, alcohol, and caffeine, creating a cool, dark, and quiet sleep environment, and sticking to a consistent sleep schedule.

Experts suggest that practicing these habits, even when sharing a bed with a partner, can further improve your chances of maintaining a healthy sleep routine.

Editor's P/S:

The article explores the complex relationship between sleep and partnership. It highlights the benefits of sleeping together, such as a sense of security, reduced stress, and the physiological effects of