Opinion: A Compelling Case for Ending Parental Shaming
Discover groundbreaking research on the genetic links between insomnia and childhood sleep issues, prompting a crucial reassessment of parental guidance and the harmful practice of shaming A thought-provoking read by Kara Alaimo
Following certain practices to get our kids to sleep through the night has long been advised by experts and momfluencers. However, a new study suggests that the reason for some children's poor sleep may be due to genetic predisposition to insomnia, rather than their mothers' lack of sleep training skills. These findings call for a radical reconsideration of how parents, particularly mothers, are instructed, judged, and shamed for their parenting techniques.
KaraAlaimo
According to a study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, children with a genetic predisposition for insomnia are prone to difficulties in falling asleep and frequently waking up during the night.
This fragment makes perfect sense to me as my first child was a terrible sleeper when she was a baby. She took a long time to fall asleep and would frequently wake up throughout the night. After reading this study, I begin to wonder if this sleep issue was due to genetic factors.
As a new mom, the topic of my baby's sleep was a common question from pediatricians, family members, fellow moms, and even strangers I encountered. Unfortunately, whenever I mentioned that my baby's sleep was not going well, I would often receive the same response - I needed to put more effort into sleep training. It seemed that most people assumed that the problem was my inability to toughen up and let her cry it out for a few nights until she learned to sleep properly.
Sleep training, or allowing a baby to cry until they learn how to sleep, seems to be the prevailing advice for parents nowadays, although there are plenty of individuals who will shame parents for adopting this method (of course). I experimented with this approach with my first child, but unfortunately, it was not successful. This recent study implies that perhaps it was not due to my parenting skills after all. It is possible that my child's genetics simply make it challenging for her to sleep.
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The bigger lesson here extends beyond what parents should know about putting their children to sleep. It emphasizes that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting because each child is unique. When we see a momfluencer sharing tips on TikTok that miraculously help her child sleep, it's important to understand that these methods work based on her specific family circumstances. What works for her may not work for others.
Unfortunately, many moms feel inadequate if the advice they receive from others doesn't work for them. In my forthcoming book "Over the Influence: Why Social Media is Toxic for Women and Girls and How We Can Take It Back," I argue that the abundance of advice targeted at moms on social media contributes to the increasing rates of postpartum depression among women who gave birth in hospitals during the social media boom from 2000-2015, as highlighted in a 2019 study.
I do not wish to be overly critical of momfluencers. In my discussions with Amy Tuteur, an obstetrician featured in my book, she highlighted that many moms who share their tips online do so because it is one of the few ways they can receive validation in our society. Tuteur explained, "There is a great deal of uncertainty in parenting. You never truly know if you are doing it right, and your child certainly isn't offering any assistance. They aren't thanking you for putting them in time-out and teaching them about delayed gratification. Instead, they are lying on the floor, screaming at you." Sign up for our free weekly newsletter.
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However, when we come across these posts, we should consider them as advice that worked for one family. If it is helpful (and safe), then we can take it onboard. However, if it doesn't work due to the different characteristics of our own child and life, it doesn't imply that we have failed. It simply means that we are different.
Likewise, our society should refrain from preaching what works for some individuals as universal truth. The recent study serves as a reminder that when a child faces difficulties, it is often not the fault of their parents. Therefore, it would be wise for everyone to think twice before imposing their parenting strategies on others. Instead, we should acknowledge the immense challenges of parenting. Not having to deal with these messages of failure would relieve parents of one less worry to lose sleep over.
