Navigating Parenthood in the Age of Social Media

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During the early years of parenting, social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok were not as prevalent as they are today. I found myself juggling work and parenting responsibilities, with no glamorous moments to share online. The dishes piled up, laundry remained unfolded, and Whole Foods often took care of dinner. My life was far from being showcased on social media.

Somewhere between 2006 and now, parenting has turned into a race for success, with social media constantly judging us. The pressure to be perfect, based on our children's achievements, is high, with pictures shared on Facebook and Instagram adding to the stress. Kids and parents find themselves in a never-ending pressure cooker.

mother sitting on landing floor whilst her baby plays in the background

mother sitting on landing floor whilst her baby plays in the background

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"Parental achievement culture, and the chronic stress that comes with it, is a real thing. The resulting anxiety and churning stomach juices are undeniable," said Jessica Lahey, author of “The Gift of Failure.” She pointed out that much of this stress actually comes from the media we consume, the parents we interact with, and the childhood milestones we prioritize, which can lead to distorted thinking.

As parents strived to equip their children with everything necessary for success, the nature of childhood underwent a significant transformation. Free play took a backseat to adult-directed activities, and leisurely story time was replaced by structured reading practice. Even preschoolers were expected to achieve, with early reading proficiency being viewed as a sign of exceptional parenting.

Children and parents alike have unknowingly entered a relentless pressure cooker under the constant spotlight of social media.

Children and parents alike have unknowingly entered a relentless pressure cooker under the constant spotlight of social media.

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It was a recipe for burnout.

It comes as no shock that a study by the Ohio State University College of Nursing found that parents are experiencing burnout. In a recent survey of over 700 parents across the country, 57% admitted to feeling burnt out.

This burnout among parents is linked to various factors, both internal and external. These factors include feeling like a good parent, worrying about judgment from others, finding time to spend with their children, maintaining a healthy relationship with their partner, and keeping their home tidy.

Cropped shot of a mother comforting her little son at home

Cropped shot of a mother comforting her little son at home

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I remember a time when I could live in a house filled with toys and unfolded clothes, and just throw a pizza on the table when work kept me busy. However, parents of young children nowadays are faced with unrealistic expectations. They are expected to juggle work, create the perfect learning environment for their child, engage in educational playtime, cook organic meals from scratch every day, and constantly update their social media feed with picture-perfect moments.

One concerning finding from the survey is that parents of children with mental health disorders reported higher levels of burnout and a greater likelihood of using harsh parenting practices, such as insulting, criticizing, screaming at, cursing at, and physically harming their children. These actions can lead to a cycle of increased mental health issues for both the parent and the child.

The researchers recommend positive parenting practices, like setting realistic expectations, establishing healthy boundaries, and maintaining predictable routines. These are excellent starting points, especially for parents with young children. However, there are additional steps you can also take:

Keep an eye on how much time you spend on social media. Social media has its perks - it helps us stay in touch, is entertaining, and can be a good way to unwind. However, there are drawbacks as well. Constantly scrolling can lead to comparing ourselves to others, we may not always see the whole picture, and using it too much can affect our self-esteem.

There are two social media tricks that can make a big difference in the lives of adults. The first trick is muting accounts that make you feel stressed. This way, only you will know that you have muted them. The second trick is setting a time limit on your phone for social media usage. Instead of constantly scrolling through and feeling jealous or defeated, it's better to spend that time binge-watching your favorite show on Netflix.

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Embrace ‘good enough’

While striving for perfection has been a common expectation in our society, it might be beneficial to take a cue from Dr. Donald Winnicott. Back in the 1950s, the pediatrician revolutionized parenting by introducing the idea of "the good enough mother." He emphasized that seeking perfection can be counterproductive, as children primarily look for connection, basic care, and emotional security from their caregivers.

I propose using the term "the good enough caregiver" instead, while still upholding Winnicott's principles. Trying to be perfect parents can actually lead to stress and disappointment for children in the long run. It's important to remember that humans are not flawless, and simply doing our best each day is a more realistic approach to navigating the complexities of child-rearing.

According to a new study, disrupted sleep in parents and disrupted sleep in their children are each correlated with increased stress in the parents

According to a new study, disrupted sleep in parents and disrupted sleep in their children are each correlated with increased stress in the parents

Justin Paget/Digital Vision/Getty Images

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Reframe your thinking

Lahey advises parents to take a step back from constantly monitoring their children's achievements. She emphasizes the importance of showing love and support regardless of grades or scores. According to Lahey, our children are more than just their accomplishments, and as parents, we should not be defined by these external markers.

Furthermore, Lahey reminds parents that parenting is a journey with its ups and downs. It is important to understand that children can learn and grow from their mistakes as they navigate through life.

Rouzes/iStockphoto/Getty Images

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Every child learns and grows at their own pace. Milestones are just guidelines to keep an eye on, but they are not set in stone. Remember, every child is unique and different.

You have the option to take a step back and reduce the number of classes, sports, and other activities that you believe are necessary due to outside pressures. This allows you to find a more suitable pace for your family. I often suggest to parents to use a whiteboard calendar to list all of their weekly tasks and then take a step back by eliminating at least two of them. Making small adjustments can lead to significant benefits, such as reducing parental stress and burnout.

By choosing to opt out of the competition, your children will actually benefit from it.

Dr. Katie Hurley holds the role of senior clinical advisor at The Jed Foundation. She is also a child and adolescent psychotherapist. In addition to her professional roles, she is the author of multiple books. These include "No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls" and the upcoming "Fiona McPhee, Please Listen to Me!"

Editor's P/S:

The relentless pursuit of perfection and the pressure to showcase an ideal life on social media have created an unsustainable environment for parents. The constant bombardment of images and narratives of flawless parenting and exceptional childhood achievements has fostered an unhealthy culture that breeds stress, burnout, and unrealistic expectations. Parents feel compelled to juggle multiple respon