Mastering the Art of Modern Dating: 5 Essential Tips for the Digital Age
Discover the secrets to thriving in the digital dating era Dr Helen Fisher, renowned chief science adviser at Matchcom, shares invaluable tips for navigating online dating apps with confidence and finding lasting connections
In the new season of the podcast Chasing Life with Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Season 8 delves into an in-depth exploration of the brain in various states. Each episode will focus on a different state – such as the distracted brain, the frightened brain, and the nourished brain – shedding light on the impact of these states on our minds and bodies.
According to biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, humans are inherently wired to love. As a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, she has dedicated a significant portion of her career to studying love and attachment.
Fisher explained that this drive is deeply ingrained in our brains, residing close to the circuitry that controls fundamental functions. She noted that the area responsible for producing dopamine, which creates the feeling of romantic love, is located next to the area that regulates thirst and hunger.
"It's located deep below the cortex where rational thinking occurs, and even below the limbic regions associated with emotions. It resides in a fundamental brain area connected with drive, craving, focus, motivation, and optimism," Fisher said. "Thirst and hunger ensure your survival today. Romantic love compels you to form a partnership and perpetuate your DNA into the future."
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Although our fundamental need for love has remained unchanged for millennia, the way we seek it has evolved drastically, largely due to the rise of dating apps.
In 2005, Match.com enlisted Fisher to explore the enigma of human attraction and develop predictive models. She employed rigorous scientific methods, including functional magnetic resonance imaging, to delve into the neural pathways linked to these feelings.
"My colleagues and I have conducted brain scans on over 100 individuals using fMRI to study the brain's circuitry related to romantic love and attachment," she explained. She focused on analyzing four specific brain systems: dopamine, serotonin, estrogen, and testosterone.
From this research, she created the Fisher Temperament Inventory, a personality test that evaluates individuals based on these four brain systems and matches them with corresponding personality traits. This allows for categorizing people into groups of explorers, builders, negotiators, and directors.
Fisher utilized the information to determine the mutual attractions among individuals. The concept was to use this knowledge to better understand the type of person you might be most compatible with. For more insight on the various brain systems related to love and attraction, tune into the complete episode of Chasing Life here:
So can attraction, desire and compatibility really be predicted by the algorithms used by dating apps?
"It may seem complex, but ultimately we do recognize patterns," Fisher explained. "There are patterns in personality, in nature, and in culture. And yes, I believe I can at least connect someone with a better potential match."
Fisher provided these suggestions for improving your chances of finding that "better potential" when you swipe.
1. Understand the purpose of the app
These apps are not dating apps, per se.
Fisher said, "All they do is introduce you. That's all they do," and added that she prefers to call them "introducing" apps. However, she jokingly admits that the term probably won't take off. "And then it's incumbent on you to go out, meet the person. And the human brain is--we are built to try and figure out who somebody is."
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2. Less is definitely more
Avoid excessive use of the app as the human brain is not designed for it. According to Fisher, the brain is only capable of handling about five to nine choices before experiencing cognitive overload or what is known as the paradox of choice, resulting in the inability to make a decision.
She advised, "After you have met nine peopleand I mean met, either through video chatting or in person met themstop, get off the site."
3. Climb out on the proverbial limb
Interact with at least one of those five to nine people, either in person or through video chat, to develop a deeper connection. According to psychological research, the better you know someone, the more likely you are to feel a sense of liking and similarity towards them.
For 12 years, Fisher has overseen the Singles in America survey, which collects data on the attitudes and behaviors of a demographically representative sample of 5,000 US singles aged 18 to 98, with funding from Match. One question asks: Have you ever met someone whom you initially didn't find attractive and then later fell in love with?
"Every year, the percentage has increased. This past year, 49% said, Yes. They had initially gone out with someone they didn't find attractive and eventually ⦠fell deeply in love with them," she said. "You have to give the brain a chance."
4. Think of reasons to say yes
Resist the tendency to remember the negative over the positive.
Fisher explained that the brain is designed to prioritize negative experiences as a survival mechanism. She pointed out that when meeting someone new on dating sites, people tend to focus on limited information and overemphasize it. For example, they may quickly dismiss a potential match because of differences in pet preferences or fashion choices.
"Try and think of reasons to say yes," Fisher said.
5. Dont hurry, be happy
Get to know yourself and potential partners. "Every stage of life is extending," Fisher noted. "Childhood, young adulthood, middle age, and senior life are all being stretched out."
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Dating apps have had a negative impact on the dating experience for some individuals, particularly among Generation Z and millennials. These younger generations have delayed marriage, allowing them more time to explore their own identity and preferences. Anthropologist Fisher has termed this phenomenon "slow love."
"They go through an extended period of slow courtship to really get to know each other," she explained.
"It actually turns out that the older you are when you get married, the higher the chances of staying together. The longer the courtship, the later the marriage, the greater the likelihood of staying together. And that's exactly what we're observing."
We trust that these five tips will assist you in maximizing your use of dating apps. You can listen to the complete episode by clicking here. Also, be sure to join us next week on the Chasing Life podcast as we delve into the topic of the organized brain. Special thanks to CNN Audios Madeleine Thompson for her contribution to this report.
