Insight: The Impact of Technology on our Intimacy

Jill Filipovic, a journalist based in New York and author of the book “OK Boomer, Let’s Talk: How My Generation Got Left Behind,” shares her thoughts on the issue. You can follow her on Twitter. The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely her own. Check out more opinion pieces on CNN.

Americans are experiencing a significant increase in loneliness. This trend started before the pandemic but has worsened due to it. More and more of our interactions are happening online, as many individuals now work from home, students attend classes online, and a large number of us primarily connect with others through social media rather than in person.

Jill Filipovic.

Jill Filipovic.

Jill Filipovic points out that while our online connections have increased, our in-person social connections have weakened. There is a decline in adults getting married or living with a partner, as well as having children. This wouldn't be concerning if these close relationships were being replaced by others, but unfortunately, that is not the case. Americans now have fewer friends compared to fifteen years ago, and our families are also getting smaller.

Attendance at traditional places of worship and social clubs has significantly decreased. This wouldn't be a concern if there were alternative institutions to replace these spaces for gathering and discussing morals and beliefs, but unfortunately, there aren't. While some have turned to activities like running clubs, sports leagues, and spiritual retreats, these do not serve as the same social platforms that the old institutions did in terms of fostering intergenerational and cross-class interactions.

The decline of institutions such as churches, marriage, and the nuclear family can be attributed to valid reasons. These entities often enforced restrictive and discriminatory regulations, particularly against women. Moreover, many of these institutions historically excluded certain groups, such as the LGBTQ+ community, and were unwelcoming to African Americans and other minorities.

Many women are still unable to attain top positions in various religious institutions, leading to a rejection of these patriarchal systems. However, in our shift away from communal practices, we have also lost something valuable. Despite our newfound individual freedom, we are facing a deep sense of loneliness.

Although religious attendance has decreased, religious beliefs continue to persist. One traditional concept making a comeback in our isolated and disconnected society is celibacy.

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Sexual activity among young people is becoming less common compared to previous decades. Researchers have different theories to explain this trend, one being that young individuals have less free time and spend less of it socializing with friends, which may result in fewer opportunities for sexual encounters.

Another contributing factor could be the decline in social values, coupled with the influence of online porn and video games on the sexual behavior of young men. This, in turn, may lead to the acceptance of dangerous practices like sexual choking, which can have severe consequences such as permanent brain damage. Consequently, empowered young women are more inclined to reject such behaviors and assert their right to say no.

It's important to note that this may not necessarily be considered a step forward for feminism. While it's positive if young women feel empowered to say no to unwanted sex, it's uncertain if this is the main cause of the current decrease in sexual activity. Additionally, it's essential to recognize that many women also desire and deserve pleasurable sexual experiences. Unfortunately, the issue arises when heterosexual men are unable or unwilling to provide this.

This doesn't imply that everyone must engage in sexual activity constantly. In American society, there exists a contradictory mix of hypersexuality and puritanism. Our culture is saturated with sexually suggestive advertising that promotes a wide range of products, yet numerous states have enforced strict bans on abortion. With the recent successes of anti-abortion movements and potential threats to contraception access, heterosexual intercourse may feel more risky and challenging than ever before.

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Bisexual Pride Flag lgbtq+ simbol

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Many women (and some men) are choosing to abstain from sex, either temporarily or permanently. Some may have been influenced by a recent controversial campaign by the dating app Bumble, which appeared to criticize sexual abstinence. Following the backlash, Bumble apologized and removed the ads. Even actress Julia Fox has announced her decision to remain celibate, connecting it to the current cultural and political climate. She expressed her thoughts on Watch What Happens Live, stating, "I think, with the overturning of Roe v. Wade and our rights being stripped away from us, this is a way that I can take back control. It's unfortunate that it has to be this way, but I don't feel comfortable until there is change."

In a society where women's reproductive choices are closely monitored and our social skills appear to be diminishing, celibacy can be a sensible option for many individuals, especially women. However, one challenge is that conservative groups are also promoting celibacy, not to empower women, but to restrict their choices.

Conservative movements often criticize casual sex as a way to condemn and restrict access to modern contraception. Christopher Rufo, known for fueling fears about critical race theory, recently stated on social media that the purpose of sex is solely for procreation. This implies that engaging in sex for pleasure is frowned upon, and society should discourage or punish such behavior.

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A recent op-ed in The New York Times discussed celibacy using a blend of secular and religious ideas. It presented a different perspective on human sexuality, similar to themes found in Catholic sermons. In today's world, where loneliness is on the rise, is eliminating sexual connections really the best solution?

The belief that sex should only be for procreation or that removing sex from a relationship is the key to forming a genuine connection with someone often originates from deeply misogynistic beliefs. It's important to recognize that some individuals may choose to abstain from sex for a period of time, but it's crucial to avoid falling into sexist notions about the purpose of sex or how women should be perceived.

In addition to sex, a significant task we face in this era of isolation and individualism is to increase our connections with one another, not decrease them. This doesn't necessarily mean forming sexual relationships, but rather building social connections. It also involves exploring ways to establish and maintain offline institutions that allow us to strengthen our real-life relationships instead of primarily relying on online methods for communication, dating, and socializing. A population that is more interconnected and socially engaged is likely to be happier and more sexually satisfied.

Editor's P/S:

The article delves into the complexities of loneliness and its impact on our society, particularly in the wake of the pandemic. It highlights the decline of traditional institutions like marriage, family, and religion, which have historically provided social connections and a sense of belonging. While these institutions have often been exclusionary and discriminatory, their erosion has left a void in our social fabric.

The author suggests that the increase in loneliness and the decline in sexual activity among young people may be interconnected. The decline of traditional social structures and the rise of online interactions have created a fragmented society where individuals feel isolated and disconnected. This isolation can lead to a sense of purposelessness and a lack of meaningful