Has the rise of dating apps made finding love more difficult?
Are dating apps worsening the dating experience? Many singles feel that the rise of apps has turned dating into a tiresome process of swiping, repetitive conversations, and inevitable disappointments Discover how individuals are seeking alternatives to these apps
Jenny Nguyen-Don had a strong desire for chicken. Earlier this year, while residing in London, she had been engaged in conversations with a man on Hinge, a dating app, for approximately a month. With efficiency in mind, she decided to invite him to join her for dinner that evening, killing two birds with one stone. Upon receiving her text, he willingly accepted the offer.
Nguyen-Don and the other person communicated through messages as she prepared for something. He informed her about a quick stop he had to make on the way. However, Nguyen-Don was already traveling on a train without any network connection. She only received his message upon reaching her destination.
It was at this point that she observed something peculiar. When she attempted to text him, his profile picture on WhatsApp had disappeared, and her messages failed to deliver. It suddenly struck her that he had blocked her due to her lack of response.
Confused, she reached out to him multiple times, both through text and the dating app. In an unexpected turn of events, his WhatsApp profile picture reappeared, and her messages finally went through.
When they finally met in person, she confronted him about the situation. He adamantly denied ever blocking her, but the incident had already caused harm. They decided to continue with the date, but it was filled with awkwardness, as shared by Nguyen-Don, 29, in an interview with CNN. Eventually, after about an hour, they decided to part ways.
Nguyen-Don expressed her disbelief about the situation, calling the person a "loser" and highlighting their age of 36 in a TikTok video discussing the date. The video gained immense popularity, surpassing 5 million views on TikTok alone. Commenters expressed their astonishment, questioning the person's actions for blocking Nguyen-Don simply because she didn't respond within 20 minutes.
On other parts of the internet, the video was showcased as a prime illustration of the deteriorating state of modern dating. On X, previously referred to as Twitter, a user exclaimed, "We're in the depths of despair."
Numerous individuals concurred, and it is undeniable to disregard their viewpoint. With countless possibilities at one's disposal, numerous individuals seeking relationships assert that dating applications have transformed the process into a monotonous cycle of incessant swiping, repetitive conversations, and the inevitable act of being ignored.
"Dating through dating apps has somewhat diluted the dating experience," commented Nguyen-Don, a digital marketing manager. "There is an overwhelming abundance of options available, leaving everyone feeling excessively picky."
However, she further added that these apps solely serve as a tool. Can they truly be held responsible?
The apps commodified dating. Users say thats not a good thing
Nguyen-Don's experience of being blocked on WhatsApp is not the sole instance of a disastrous dating story gaining widespread attention this year. Alexis Dougé found herself caught in her own viral nightmare when a man she connected with on Tinder made off with a valuable pair of $1,000 designer shoes from her apartment.
Her story not only received over a million views on TikTok but also gained national attention, leading to the return of the stolen shoes by the person known as "Tabi Swiper." According to Dougé, a 25-year-old social media coordinator, the guy never apologized. The act of theft predates the existence of apps, but incidents like this highlight a potentially more sinister issue. Treating someone as just a profile picture on an app rather than a real person could result in a lack of empathy. Dougé, who has been using these apps for about five years, described it as a "loss of care."
"You know, I would really like to show genuine care and concern for you as an individual, acknowledging and valuing your emotions," she expressed. "With the abundance of options and countless people in the online dating realm, it becomes easy to lose that sense of caring for one another. There's no need to invest time in understanding someone's feelings, as there's always another option waiting."
Online dating, by its nature, lacks genuine connection. It relies on swiping through profiles, typically consisting of a few pictures, basic details, and brief responses. The objective is to gather a glimpse of the person on the other side of the screen, determining compatibility within moments.
Dating apps like Hinge require users to condense their personality into a single profile.
On dating apps like Grindr, the emphasis often shifts from the real person to superficial characteristics such as height and weight, according to Benson Zhou, an assistant professor at New York University Shanghai who specializes in studying sexuality and digital media.
"The individual lacks concreteness," he stated, emphasizing their representation through numerical data.
According to Zhou, dating has forever possessed an element of shallowness. However, what sets the present times apart is the obsession with physical appearance and the reliance on data points, which now dominate dating apps. Ultimately, the initial impression one gets while swiping is primarily based on a photograph.
Zhou stated that the design of dating apps is responsible for fostering this kind of dating culture. According to Zhou, the apps aim to direct users' attention towards this culture and prioritize it.
However, this approach can also lead to minimizing individuals. Brian, a 30-year-old who prefers to use a pseudonym for privacy reasons, pointed out that reducing a person to a single picture and a few quirky responses neglects their nuances. Instead, people are classified into stereotypes, such as being labeled as a "foodie" or "sporty."
Minimizing preferences can have consequences. Brian, a civil engineer living in Atlanta, used to approach dating with a strict list of qualities he desired in a partner. Being active and enjoying outdoor activities was particularly important to him, to the point where he considered it a dealbreaker. This mindset was reinforced by dating apps, as he believed that if someone wasn't athletic, there were plenty of other options available with just a swipe.
However, Brian has since had a change of perspective. He now understands that being athletic is not a definitive dealbreaker. People are more than one-dimensional, and just because someone claims they are not athletic doesn't mean they will never step outside. People have the ability to change and push themselves beyond their comfort zones.
Brian informed CNN that he has been gradually reducing his use of dating apps in order to prioritize his mental well-being. He now prefers to seek genuine connections in offline settings. Moreover, Brian is not the only individual who has become tired and disenchanted with the dating app culture.
Foyin Ogunrombi, a 27-year-old social media content creator from Johannesburg, South Africa, has spent over four years using dating apps. According to Ogunrombi, her experiences on these apps have ranged from encountering drug dealers to receiving unsolicited explicit images.
The most common cruelty, according to her, is the lack of meaningful engagement. She claims that there is no finesse, only simple exchanges of greetings like "Hi" and "How are you?"
"Where is the actual conversation? Where is the opportunity to truly understand one another? Where is the playful exchange?" she questioned. "It seems like there is no genuine connection, no natural progression or evolution within a conversation."
Both users understand their purpose, leading to a straightforward approach, according to her. As individuals spend more time on dating apps, Ogunrombi explained that they become more impatient, seeking to determine compatibility as swiftly as they can. According to her, the commercialization of dating has diminished the overall experience, erasing the enchantment, romance, and optimism of encountering someone who could potentially be a long-term partner.
In its place is a business-like transaction. Youre exhausted before youve even gotten to know the person, she said.
Whos to blame: the app, or people on the apps?
However, is it fair to attribute any of these issues to the dating apps themselves? That's the question posed by Nguyen-Don, whose viral video discussed her experience of being blocked. According to her, if individuals sought therapy, worked on personal growth, and learned effective communication, they could utilize dating apps in a healthy manner. Consequently, some problems, such as blocking someone for not responding to messages, would likely cease to exist.
"It's not really the app's fault," she remarked. "Everyone is using it. It's incredibly convenient to have numerous options, but you have to encounter unsatisfactory individuals before finding the right one."
However, it is important to question the effectiveness of this tool. There is a prevailing belief that because these apps are user-friendly, finding love is effortless, according to Zhou. However, reality tells a different story: despite matching with numerous individuals, the actual likelihood of establishing a connection with them is relatively low, causing feelings of exhaustion or isolation, he explained. This often leads many users to engage in a cycle of deleting and redownloading the app, a trend that has been extensively studied in academia.
Brian, an engineer from Atlanta, experienced the tumultuous impact these apps had on his emotions. Each match would trigger a rush of dopamine, making him feel like he was on top of the world. However, if the following week resulted in no matches, he would descend into a state of depression.
"I awaited the imminent surge of dopamine, longing for the next match," he expressed.
While these apps may boast about aiding users in finding love, it is essential for them to maintain a continuous influx of users in order to generate profit, Zhou explained. This aspect contributes to the addictive nature of the apps, creating a paradoxical scenario.
The choices represented by dating apps can be a paradox, meant to keep people swiping.
Ogunrombi finds solace in this notion. The deliberate presence of abundant options, she believes, is aimed at maintaining her engagement on the platform. The app’s motive is not to facilitate her quest for love and happiness; hence, the experience naturally becomes exasperating.
Ogunrombi expressed that it is not only him who feels exhausted but also the dating industrial complex that is attempting to exhaust him.
However, dating apps have proven successful for certain individuals. David Argetsinger, a 31-year-old programmer from Everett, Washington, found his future fiancée on Coffee Meets Bagel. He had positive experiences with dating apps and appreciated how they connected him with different individuals and novel experiences.
However, he acknowledges that his mindset was slightly unique. Instead of solely seeking a romantic connection, Argetsinger reveals that he used the apps to find companions and intriguing individuals, which alleviated some of the stress.
"Maintaining an open and flexible mindset is crucial for my optimistic perspective," he remarks. "Ultimately, I am content and even delighted if I end up with a friendship, whereas some of my acquaintances were deeply disappointed ... with that particular result."
Alissa Wilson, a 27-year-old data scientist residing in Arlington, Virginia, found her fiancé through the dating app Hinge. According to her, she had experienced occasional frustration with dating apps and had taken breaks from using them. However, she appreciated the ability to vet and filter potential partners through these apps, which was not feasible when meeting people naturally. Additionally, she mentioned that she was not meeting anyone in person. "Using these apps has definitely been beneficial for me. Even the people I went on dates with where nothing materialized, I wouldn't have crossed paths with them otherwise," Wilson explained. "It has greatly expanded my social circle."
How people are finding alternatives to dating apps
That desire to expand social circles makes apps appealing. But as people get tired of swiping, there are also increasing efforts to circumvent those platforms.
As part of this shift, there has been a resurgence in dating methods that rely less on technology. Speed dating, for instance, has made a comeback and is becoming increasingly popular in cities.
In 2022, Maxine Simone Williams founded WeMetIRL, a speed dating event in New York. Williams developed the idea after sensing that her friends were seeking a space to connect with others that was not a bar or a networking event. According to Williams, dating apps were never the optimal solution. She explained to CNN, "Algorithms cannot predict attraction or find the perfect match, and even if they could, a person might be rejected simply because their photo was unappealing."
"You desire to witness a person's smile, hear their laughter, and catch a whiff of their cologne or perfume," she remarked. "These aspects are integral to the concept of attraction."
The resurgence of this old-fashioned approach to dating might come as a surprise to certain individuals. However, for Williams, it merely demonstrates the ephemeral nature of technology.
"Everything new eventually loses its charm," she remarked.
According to Williams, speed dating offers the opportunity to meet individuals one wouldn't typically encounter. Unlike prolonged periods of swiping or texting, it allows for genuine face-to-face interaction.
Many individuals find this to be a source of relief, and Williams is not the only one who shares this sentiment. WeMetIRL events consistently sell out within a week, while its LGBTQ events are sold out within seconds, underscoring the strong demand for alternatives to dating apps. Recognizing this market shift, Bumble has initiated hosting singles events in select cities, indicating the company's awareness of the changing landscape.
Despite their imperfections, dating apps are here to stay. This may be disheartening for singles who are feeling discouraged. However, there is a glimmer of hope: people are still determined to find love, despite the obstacles.
