Finding Hope and Healing: A Survivor's Journey on Coping with Loss

If you or anyone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or mental health challenges, please reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 to speak with a trained counselor, or visit the 988 Lifeline website.

Two months later, they became engaged and exchanged vows in August 2018. It was in October when Alexandra discovered she was expecting, and she welcomed their son into the world in July 2019.

"At that time, we were in our late 30s," shared Alexandra, who is currently 41. "With preconceived notions of what a fulfilling life entails, we were thrilled to be ticking those off our list."

Shawn and Alexandra Wyman pose at an event in February 2019.

Alexandra Wyman's life took a turn when the coronavirus pandemic struck, causing additional challenges for the couple as they were already learning to balance the responsibilities of raising a baby, managing their home, and nurturing their marriage. These stressors, coupled with conflicts within their extended family, unexpectedly strained their typically harmonious life.

According to Alexandra, Shawn was a remarkable partner and father who possessed the qualities of being caring, diligent, and enjoyable. With a background in the US Navy, he found pleasure in Sunday football and barbecues. Alexandra confided that Shawn provided her a sense of security, as she could openly discuss any topic with him. He also had a talent for making their son erupt with laughter through his singing and dancing.

"He had an unparalleled ability to make me laugh and was an exceptional storyteller," she expressed. "However, the challenges he faced and his past experiences as a child were reawakened during the pandemic, causing additional sources of stress."

Alexandra and Shawn smile for a photo at a ski resort in March 2018.

Alexandra Wyman

Shawn also struggled with self-doubt. He "never felt like he was as good of a father as he (really) was," Alexandra said.

Shawn reached a breaking point on August 18, 2020, and decided to begin therapy to address his escalating stress. During a dinner two days later, the couple indulged in fantasies about future adventures they would undertake once the pandemic was over. However, the following evening, Shawn attended a friend's birthday party and surprisingly did not return home until the next morning. Their argument ensued when they discussed this, and according to her, Shawn appeared noticeably distant. She recalled, "I was waiting to go for a walk with my son when we left. Then, I received the first of his goodbye texts."

The first text was sent by Shawn around 8:30 a.m., prompting Alexandra, along with family members and the police, to initiate a search for him after he had left home. Despite Alexandra's repeated attempts to contact Shawn, he did not respond until approximately 1:30 p.m. It was during this conversation that their deep connection from their first date seemed to come full circle. At 2:15 p.m., Alexandra abruptly felt the need to end a phone call with one of Shawn's friends, with no apparent reason behind her sudden instinct. Distressingly, at 6:30 p.m., authorities informed her that Shawn had tragically taken his own life at 2:14 p.m. in the mountains of Colorado, a two-hour journey from their home.

In her book "The Suicide Club: What to Do When Someone You Love Chooses Death," published in November 2022, she portrayed the subsequent days as a haze, delving into her personal journey of grief.

"It was an absolute shock," she remarked. "After six weeks, a thoughtful individual arranged a massage for me. As the masseuse glanced at me, they expressed, 'I don't perceive your inner radiance.' In response, I acknowledged, 'I am aware. I am uncertain if I will ever regain my inner light.'"

The aftermath of the act of suicide.

According to Michael Roeske, clinical psychologist and senior director of the Newport Healthcare Center for Research & Innovation, loss is undoubtedly difficult, but the emotional intricacies surrounding suicide add another layer of complexity. Unlike incidents like car accidents or terminal illnesses that offer a clear understanding of the cause, the human mind struggles to comprehend the vague reasons behind suicides.

For many individuals, like Alexandra, this contemplation evokes emotions of remorse, abandonment, and perplexity. Alexandra was aware that Shawn had previously contemplated suicide in the past, but he assured her that he would never go through with it. Before realizing that she was justified in taking his words at face value, which were likely sincere at that time, Alexandra pondered whether she could have offered more support or if Shawn's decision had any connection to his sentiments towards her.

Megan Thee Stallion has been outspoken on the importance of mental health.

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Megan Thee Stallion encourages individuals to reach out to their friends. However, even professionals are unable to accurately foresee if someone will act upon their suicidal thoughts. Therefore, it is unjust for loved ones to impose the same expectations on themselves. According to Justin Baker, a clinical psychologist and clinical director of The Suicide and Trauma Reduction Initiative for Veterans at Ohio State University's Wexner Medical Center.

Alexandra struggled to carry on with her daily routine after her husband's passing, particularly after midday. The nights proved to be the most challenging as the solitude amplified her grief.

"Nightmares haunted me, causing me to wake up in a state of distress, either screaming or drenched in sweat, accompanied by rapid heartbeat. Returning to sleep seemed impossible," she revealed.

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She hardly ate and suffered from intense "separation anxiety" from her 4-year-old son, who was becoming more curious about his father and asking more questions. Worried that she might lose her son as well, Alexandra clung tightly to him, adopting habits like sleeping next to his crib and checking on him multiple times during the night.

According to experts, anger is a typical emotion that Alexandra also felt towards the deceased.

"The grief encompasses more than just the absence of the individual," she expressed, highlighting additional aspects such as the shattered expectations of one's envisioned life, the stark contrast to one's current reality, the significant change in the dynamics of relationships, and the transformation of one's own identity. With a tone of disbelief, she persistently uttered, "This was never supposed to be a part of our agreement."

Discussing death is already challenging, and the social disgrace attached to suicide amplifies the unspoken nature of this conversation even further.

Alexandra expressed that meeting individuals who are not familiar with her past, particularly the loss of her husband, can sometimes provide a small sense of relief. The challenge lies in the recognition of subtle transformations in her current self by those who knew her prior to the tragedy.

After Shawn's passing, she fruitlessly looked for a book to provide solace during her grieving process. Determined to assist not only herself but also others, she made the decision to write her own book.

Alexandra expressed that writing was a cathartic experience for her. However, it also brought to her attention the presence of negative core beliefs and patterns, such as people-pleasing, which were impacting her coping mechanisms.

Newborn baby crying in mother hands

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Baker described cognitive stuck points as detrimental beliefs that hinder the progress of recovery. To address this, Alexandra sought the assistance of a therapist who guided her in challenging irrational thoughts by examining the evidence that contradicted them. For instance, when some individuals doubted the authenticity of Alexandra and Shawn's relationship, she would reflect on the affectionate connection and fulfilling life they had built together. Through therapy, Alexandra was also able to relinquish societal expectations of success and understand that the only aspect she had control over was her response to unexpected challenges in life. Ultimately, she managed to release the burden of self-blame.

Another important lesson Alexandra learned was that Shawn's suicide was his own choice and not something she could be blamed for or could have prevented on her own. She began to empathize with the pain and struggle he must have been experiencing, rather than focusing on her own feelings of confusion and wondering why he didn't communicate his struggles more openly. She acknowledged that she couldn't assume she would have made a different choice had she been in his position.

Moving forward from a tragic loss, such as a loved one ending their life, requires time, according to experts. However, there are additional methods that helped Alexandra navigate her grief in a more positive manner. Through journaling, she became aware of her thought patterns and emotional obstacles. In addition, participating in support groups alongside others who had experienced a similar loss gave her a sense of belonging. She also established boundaries by refusing to conform to societal expectations for her grieving process.

Lance Neiberger, a volunteer with the Natrona County Suicide Prevention Task Force, displays a bookmark for children featuring the 988 suicide and crisis lifeline emergency telephone number. This event took place in Casper, Wyoming on August 14, 2022, during a discussion on mental health and suicide awareness. Lance Neiberger, a petroleum engineer from central Wyoming, has taken on the challenging task of combatting the state's high suicide rate, which is currently the highest in the nation. (Photo by Patrick T. FALLON / AFP) (Photo by PATRICK T. FALLON/AFP via Getty Images)

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"I have resorted to screaming into a pillow in my basement on numerous occasions. I have also relied on exercise," shared Alexandra. "There is no universal solution, and even if you discover something effective on one day, it does not guarantee its efficacy on the following day."

Stay strong and overcome this.

Alexandra used to believe that her current reality was unbearable and that she would never be able to feel any better about the future. However, approximately nine months after Shawn's death, she experienced a moment of anticipation for the first time when she took her son to his swim lesson. In that moment, she realized that she had the potential to be okay.

Alexandra discovered that feeling joy again sometimes comes with a sense of guilt. This guilt stems from the notion that if a loved one can no longer find happiness in life, the person left behind should refrain from doing so as well. Additionally, there may be a belief that if they do not continue to carry the pain, they are not grieving enough or they will forget about the deceased individual, as Baker explained.

Baker prompted, "Consider what that individual might express if they were present. Would they prefer you to endure like this, or would they want you to savor life?"

He suggested finding alternative methods to honor their memory, such as keeping the tradition of celebrating their birthday or sharing memories with others who were acquainted with them.

Shawn smiles near a motorcycle in February 2018.

Alexandra Wyman now experiences more good days than bad ones, and the masseuse she visited has noticed a restored brightness within her. Despite this progress, she acknowledges that her journey still involves ups and downs. Alexandra continues to struggle with sleep problems and finds solace in bringing her coffee to her husband's grave, where she can have conversations with him.

"But all in all," she remarked, "I'm actually doing exceedingly well."

According to Alexandra, the husband of the sheriff who delivered the news of Shawn's passing had passed away eight months prior. "She came down on her knees before me and uttered, 'You may find it hard to believe, but I want to assure you that you have the strength to overcome this.'"

"I did not believe her. But she was right," Alexandra added. "It takes work. And it can feel awful. But its absolutely possible and rewarding."