Embracing the Positives of Divorce: Insights from Professionals

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Even after a divorce, Amy Mazur continues to spend holidays and vacations with her kids and their father.

Mazur, a clinical social worker in Brooklyn, New York, mentioned that her children and herself feel much less stressed in their current situation.

She shared that her relationship with her ex-husband may not fit the typical image of life after divorce, but it is the best arrangement for her family. They got married young, and as they grew into different people, they found a way to continue loving and supporting each other without being married.

Marriage rates were up in 2022 and divorce rates continued to drop, according to the data.

Marriage rates were up in 2022 and divorce rates continued to drop, according to the data.

Anna Blazhuk/Moment RF/Getty Images

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When facing divorce, it is common for individuals to experience a sense of loss and grief. This period can be emotionally challenging as people navigate through the end of a significant relationship.

A divorce can be friendly and still bring about feelings of loss and sadness, according to Rebecca Hendrix, a marriage and family therapist in New York.

She mentioned that there is a sense of loss for the life you have created together, such as the shared home, the shared name, and the routines you have established. Additionally, there are emotional bonds that need to be untangled.

Your family members are the people you have a strong connection with, whether you get along well or not. Even if you have disagreements often, you have a special bond with them. If the relationship has reached a point where neither of you are happy, you may still feel emotionally attached to that person.

Enitza Templeton poses for a portrait in her home on February 14.

Enitza Templeton poses for a portrait in her home on February 14.

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One of the common challenges that Washington, DC-based marriage and family therapist Marissa Nelson often encounters is helping people cope with the grief of losing the vision they had for their life.

Just like with any other type of loss, it is crucial to seek out support to navigate through the range of emotions that accompany grief, including feelings of anger, sadness, and struggles with reaching acceptance.

Support can come from various sources such as a therapist, a religious leader, friends, a divorce support group, or even books and media that make you feel less alone.

According to Hendrix, it's helpful to ask your support network for specific things that could aid you in navigating through grief. For instance, having a weekly dinner or going for a walk with a friend two or three times a week can greatly benefit you by getting you out of the house.

Reaching out to a few friends and saying, ‘Hey, I’m going through a hard time. I could really use some support’ is a huge, huge step for a lot of people," Hendrix said.

Creating a new relationship together

However, divorce does not always result in loss. According to Hendrix, couples can actually use this opportunity to establish a new relationship with each other.

She mentioned, "If both parties work together, they have the ability to shape the type of divorce they desire."

For some individuals, forming a friendship may be challenging, but it is still possible to work towards a cooperative and friendly relationship, especially when children are part of the equation, according to Mazur.

Wedding ring, hands and woman with divorce, decision and relationship doubt in her home. Jewelry, finger and female with marriage anxiety, commitment or fail in living room for choice regret in house

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Former spouses can still come together in a different way after a divorce, according to Hendrix. While they may not have had a successful romantic relationship, they can work together to divide their lives or co-parent their children.

Mazur suggests seeking help from a therapist to navigate the challenging emotions that arise from divorce and to establish a healthier relationship moving forward. It is important to give your ex-partner time and understanding instead of rushing into a new sense of closeness.

Divorcing partners may experience different emotions at different times, so it's important to stay classy, according to Mazur.

She advises to always come back with good intentions and to focus on keeping your own behavior positive. Don't stress about what your ex-partner is doing, just focus on moving forward.

How to take care of the kids

If the ending marriage involves kids, their experience needs to be a priority, Mazur said.

Coparenting apart is a whole new ball game compared to coparenting as a couple. Nelson pointed out that it involves making joint decisions while also managing your own emotions.

Mazur emphasized that even though you are no longer in a relationship, one parent should not have the sole authority to make parenting decisions without consulting the other parent.

Nelson mentioned that there are many unanswered questions that need to be addressed, such as holiday plans, handling birthdays, navigating dating, and introducing a new partner. These issues can often be resolved through negotiation in a custody agreement.

According to Nelson, seeking the assistance of a mediator can be highly beneficial in working through the challenges of co-parenting, especially when emotions are still raw and healing is ongoing.

Coparents should seek therapy or turn to supportive adults in their lives to address their feelings instead of sharing them with the children, according to Mazur.

Mazur emphasized, "Your children are observant. They pick up on everything. Remember, you are talking about their mother or father."

Both parents should aim to show their children that they are loved and that they still have a family.

According to Mazur, it's important to participate in activities like school plays together, be supportive, and enjoy simple things like getting ice cream afterwards. It doesn't always have to be big vacations, but children should feel like they have what other kids have.

Bright spots at the other end

Divorce may not be something you wanted, but you can find ways to get good out of it, Mazur said.

“Whenever you go through a crisis or tragedy or trauma like this, kind of the only way through it is to make meaning of it,” she said.

Author Maggie Smith.

Author Maggie Smith.

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Maybe the key is releasing the feelings of disconnection, anger, and exhaustion that accompanied the end of your marriage, according to Nelson. She suggested that discovering personal growth might involve rediscovering your true self, your values, and what you desire in a future relationship.

Divorce could spark introspection about the changes you wish to make or inspire you to reach out to a therapist for the first time, as mentioned by Hendrix.

“In life, it’s our times of pain that actually help us to grow the most,” she said. You can move forward seeing your “divorce as a catalyst for an extraordinary life.”

Editor's P/S:

Divorce is a complex and emotionally challenging experience, but it can also be an opportunity for growth and renewal. Couples who choose to divorce may find that they are able to establish a new relationship with each other, based on cooperation and respect. They may also find that they are able to rediscover their true selves and values, and to create a more fulfilling life for themselves.

If you are considering divorce, it is important to seek out support from a therapist, a religious leader, friends, or a divorce support group. These individuals can provide you with emotional support and guidance as you navigate the challenges of divorce. It is also important to remember that divorce is not a failure, but rather an opportunity to create a new and better life for yourself and your family.

In the wake of divorce, it is crucial to prioritize the needs of the children involved. Co-parenting effectively requires open communication, joint decision-making, and a commitment to putting the children's well-being first. Parents should make a conscious effort to minimize conflict and create a stable and loving environment for their children. Seeking professional guidance from a mediator or therapist can help navigate the challenges of co-parenting, particularly when emotions are still raw and healing is ongoing. By working together and seeking support, divorced parents can create a positive and supportive environment for their children, ensuring their emotional and developmental needs are met.