Embarking on a Journey of Discovery: Following My Mother's Path into the Great Unknown

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The distance seemed incredibly distant, almost unattainable, considering that I, standing at a height of 5 feet and 6 inches, was expected to descend all the way to the ground solely relying on gravity, a parachute, and my enthusiastic jumping companion named Toshi.

Toshi gently tapped my knee and directed my attention towards the altimeter on his wrist. We had ascended to an elevation of 8,000 feet and were now only moments away from reaching the peak of our adventure.

"Its time to get ready!" he shouted, his voice fighting the roaring engine of the plane.

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I didnt know if Id ever be ready.

Just ninety minutes ago, I was still in bed, trapped under my large blue comforter and overwhelmed by the grief I woke up with. The thought of going skydiving today, or any other day, was the furthest thing from my mind. The idea of willingly jumping out of a plane and free-falling thousands of feet seemed just as dangerous and unappealing as driving blindly down the interstate in a car without brakes.

I took a quivering breath, feeling my heart pound against my chest like a jackhammer against concrete. The sound of the plane's engines filled my ears, causing my body to vibrate with the metal of the aircraft. My eyes darted towards the small door on the side of the plane.

I hadn't yet determined my plan for exiting through that door. However, I had a strong conviction that it would require me to tightly shut my eyes, disconnect from my physical self, and imagine Toshi compelling me towards an ice cream parlor instead of the vibrant, expansive sky.

Toshi nudged me once more.

"Don't forget to stay vigilant," he shouted.

"Damn," I muttered under my breath. The idea of leaping out of a plane in motion was terrifying enough, and the thought of being completely aware during the plunge made it even worse. Nevertheless, I trusted Toshi to fulfill his duty and lead me in the correct path.

I looked at the door again and thought about why I was there.

Halnon was flooded with even more awe for her mother, considering that the older woman had jumped out of a plane as well when she turned 60.

Eugene Skydivers

It was supposed to be my mother's 70th birthday, but sadly she lost her battle against papillary serous uterine cancer at the age of 66, only 13 months after being diagnosed.

My mother, Andrea, always cherished milestone birthdays. For her 50th, she accomplished a remarkable feat by completing her first marathon. And when she reached 60, she took up swimming and participated in her inaugural triathlon.

On her 60th birthday, she chose to celebrate by taking a leap out of an airplane. As the day began, I found myself in bed, scrolling through photos from that memorable birthday. Each image seemed to etch itself further into my heart, beautifully encapsulating the true essence of my mother.

There was a picture capturing her gaze through the airplane window, radiating with delight from her vibrant blue eyes. Her grin extended wide, exuding a contagious bravery. As I peered at the image on my phone screen, I could almost sense her buzz of anticipation.

Emily's mother, Andrea Halnon, was also afraid to jump out of a plane, but she "met her fear with joy and determination," her daughter says.

Ole Thomsen

I acknowledge her apprehension to jump out of the plane that very day, nevertheless, she possessed an unwavering determination and found joy in confronting her fear. These attributes defined her approach to life, as she navigated the challenges of raising my brother and me, conquering marathons and triathlons, and battling against cancer. Even when she underwent chemotherapy and lost her hair, she embarked on a road trip to a quaint diner in Maine, solely to enjoy the Bald Thursday special. A photograph capturing her infectious laughter in front of her discounted toast and hash browns now graces my refrigerator, serving as a timeless reminder.

"Contemplating the pictures, I pondered over the grand plans she would execute for this significant birthday. I anticipated something audacious, courageous, and filled with fervor. Reflecting on it, the fact that I would never be privy to those arrangements filled me with an intense yearning."

Unable to withstand the overwhelming waves of sorrow engulfing me, I urgently sprang out of bed. With my loyal companion Dilly at my side, I fastened a leash and hurried outside, ready for a jog. These significant days filled with immense grief always leave me unsure of how to cope; the birthdays, death anniversaries, and the dreaded occasions on the calendar that serve as a poignant reminder of another year or holiday forever gone.

I have discovered that time has certain healing effects. However, it also brings forth additional pain as each year passes or significant life event unfolds, intensifying the sense of separation from my mother – a situation I vehemently wish to avoid.

Scrolling through photos of her mom, "beaming her way up to 10,000 feet," inspired Emily Halnon to make the leap. Her mother died of cancer at age 66.

Ole Thomsen

Looking at the photos, an urge washed over me to be by her side on the plane, to delve into her emotions and inquire about her purpose for being there. I yearned to hear her exuberant voice, eagerly responding to the queries I always wished I had asked. As I darted around the corner from my house, I was abruptly halted by an unstoppable thought.

"I should have gone skydiving today."

Out of the blue, an unprecedented idea dawned on me. It had never crossed my mind before, even for a fleeting moment. Nevertheless, once it infiltrated my thoughts, it became impossible to let go. The vision of my mother ascending with sheer delight to an altitude of 10,000 feet remained vivid in my mind.

I ran another block and stopped again. I pulled out my phone and googled: "skydiving Oregon."

A listing popped up for a skydiving place just outside Eugene.

Content Result: I clicked on it, contemplating the futility of searching. It seemed impossible to spontaneously decide to go skydiving on a Saturday at noon and actually make it happen.

However, my attention was immediately drawn to the website's bottom corner, where blue text caught my eye. It simply stated, "Contact us for same day appointments."

It wasn't just fear that Emily Halnon felt when the plane finally took off over Oregons Willamette Valley. "My smile was as wide as my moms," she recalls.

Eugene Skydivers

Which is how I ended up crammed into the back of a plane, just 90 minutes after I peeled myself out of bed.

"You can still back out," my brother reminded me as I reached out to dial his number while heading towards the tarmac. "Even when you're inside the plane, you have the option to choose not to go through with it."

Yet, I hadn't changed my mind just yet. Something had driven me forward during the entire 20-minute drive. Despite the DVD warning of potential danger, I persevered. As I slipped my limbs into the harness, and the plane soared thousands of feet into the sky, I remained undeterred.

I couldn't help but notice my mom, gazing out of the airplane window, her cheeks adorned with charming dimples. To my astonishment, it wasn't solely fear that overwhelmed me. With our departure, my smile matched my mom's infectious happiness.

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Toshi signaled for me to turn around so that he could secure his harness to mine. The following actions occurred swiftly. The sound of metal clicking, the adjustment of straps, and Toshi presenting the "OK" sign in front of my face, while ensuring my agreement to proceed towards the exit. This was my final opportunity to back out.

The door glided open, as the plane zoomed at a speed of 100 miles per hour, and an onslaught of wind surged in.

Every fiber of my being pulsated with a crimson alert, cautioning me that it is against human nature to plummet from a moving aircraft. Nevertheless, I had no desire to retreat. On this monumental day of sorrow, when I felt distressingly distant from my mother, I had discovered the solution.

I desired to embrace each day with the same boldness, bravery, and wholeheartedness as she did. It is through this approach that I feel the strongest connection to my mother.

I understood that this could entail remaining in my bed, immersed in memories captured in photographs, directly confronting the overwhelming sadness, and allowing the yearning for my mother to consume me. To experience the deepest wounds of grief was a courageous and fearless demonstration of my wholeheartedness.

But today, that meant jumping out of a plane.

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Leqi Zhong

Initiate a conversation with your parents now to prevent future distress. I glanced at Toshi and we shifted towards the plane's edge. With determination, I extended my legs into the gusty wind, struggling to maintain their stability. Releasing my grip on the plane, I tightly embraced myself. Suspended at the brink of a 10,000-foot plummet.

I was suspended in mid-air, with the ground almost 2 miles beneath me. My heart raced like never before, as I contemplated the thought of my 60-year-old mother experiencing the same exhilaration. It filled me with admiration for her. Unable to discuss it with her, I could sense the connection. Despite my overwhelming fear, a smile involuntarily appeared on my face.

"Are you prepared?" Toshi shouted.

"Ready!" I shouted back, even if it was little bit of a lie.

And then, we were falling. My body careened 120 miles per hour through the abyss.

For me, skydiving was not about leaving everything behind; it was about embracing it all. As I let go of the plane, I carried with me every emotion - fear, joy, grief, longing, love. And throughout every second, I held on tightly to my mom.

My eyes were fully open, and I found myself in the precise location I desired.

Emily Halnon resides in Eugene, Oregon, and boasts a background as both a runner and a writer. Her written works have been featured in prominent publications such as The Guardian, The Washington Post, Salon, and Runners World. Additionally, her memoir titled "To the Gorge" is scheduled for release in 2024.