Building Forgiveness: Mastering the Art of Letting Go
Discover the transformative power of forgiveness for your body, mind, and soul Uncover the secrets to initiating forgiveness with expert guidance Unlock the potential within you and embark on a journey of self-healing and inner peace
Editors note: Season 8 of the podcast Chasing Life with Dr. Sanjay Gupta returns to the fundamentals with a thorough exploration of the brain in various states. Each episode delves into a different state - the distracted brain, the frightened brain, the nourished brain, and more - to illuminate the inner workings of our minds and their impact on our bodies.
(CNN) Unless you possess the same compassion as Mother Teresa, it's safe to say that most of us have experienced anger to the point where it feels impossible to move past the pain caused by someone else.
An unfaithful spouse, a tormenting childhood bully, a disloyal friend, or a manipulative colleague - the wrongdoer could be someone close to you, a stranger, or even yourself. The offense could be minor, like a hurtful comment, or life-changing, like causing someone's death. Regardless of the specifics, chances are you've experienced it and, if you're honest, probably more than once.
If the upsetting incident continues to affect you and your life, that's where the concept of forgiveness may come into play, according to psychologist Robert Enright, a leading figure in the field of forgiveness science and a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
Enright suggested on a recent episode of the podcast Chasing Life with CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta, that if there have been multiple attempts at healing with no success, it may be worth considering the possibility of forgiveness. However, he emphasized that the choice to forgive always belongs to the individual.
Enright, who has researched forgiveness for nearly forty years and is a co-founder of the nonprofit International Forgiveness Institute, highlighted the psychological benefits of this act. Studies have shown that forgiveness can reduce feelings of anger, anxiety, and depression. Furthermore, it has been found to have positive effects on health, including lowering blood pressure, improving sleep, reducing stress-induced inflammation, and strengthening the immune system.
Enright, who has worked with various groups including foreign governments, survivors of incest and rape, terminally ill cancer patients, incarcerated individuals, and children in war-affected areas, emphasized that forgiveness is not about forgetting the wrongs done, but rather about forgiving and remembering.
"Let's remember in a new light, without bitterness or the resurfacing anger," he expressed. "It's like when you've hurt your knee and at the moment there's intense pain and confusion. But when you reflect on it, five years later, you recall the incident but without the same level of pain."
In marriage therapy, couples support, help, and hold hands to foster hope, empathy, and love. They also prioritize security, trust, solidarity, kindness, and gratitude in counseling, approaching each other with care and respect.
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Naturally, this is easier said than done. Enright, a well-known author, has created a forgiveness process model to assist individuals in actively practicing forgiveness. "At the conclusion of this process, you are the one who experiences healing," as stated by Enright.
Enright suggests that the more you forgive, the more skilled you become at it. He believes that practicing forgiveness in everyday situations within your family, neighborhood, and community enhances your ability to forgive. By forgiving in smaller, everyday situations, you become more comfortable with it and better prepared to handle more difficult challenges in life. He asserts that forgiveness becomes a natural part of your life as you grow to appreciate and become familiar with it through practice.
So, how do you get started? Here are Enrights five top tips (edited for length):
Evaluate whether its the right time to forgive
When is the right time to forgive? It might not be what you expect. According to Enright, if your anger is strong and lingering, and you've exhausted all other options for healing, it might be worth considering forgiveness for those who wronged you. Being treated unjustly can have long-lasting negative effects such as intense anger, sadness, and confusion, which can persist for months or even years.
"It's common to struggle with forgiveness immediately," he explained. "Forgiveness comes after we have processed our emotions to some extent and had the opportunity to feel anger. For those who are prepared - although many may not be - the journey to forgiveness should be a choice made willingly, as it has the potential to bring deep healing."
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To forgive does not mean making excuses for the wrongdoing, reconciling with the other person, or giving up on seeking fairness, according to Enright. Instead, "to forgive is to show mercy towards those who have acted unjustly."
This process involves three steps. The first step is to develop new thought patterns over time regarding the person who caused harm. The second step is to gradually cultivate more positive and fewer negative feelings about the person, recognizing that these feelings cannot be forced into existence, as Enright mentioned.
The third step involves engaging in more positive and fewer negative behaviors towards the person. This may include refraining from harming them (for example, avoiding eye-rolling while they speak) and possibly even speaking kindly about the person to others.
Anticipate that the process will require time. According to Enright, while forgiveness may come easily for some, for many others, it is a journey that takes time and effort to navigate each day.
To begin the process, he recommended utilizing his organization's process model, which consists of four phases: reflecting on the impact of the injustice on oneself; making a commitment to forgive the person responsible; gaining a deeper understanding of the other person, including their struggles and their intrinsic value; and discovering new significance in one's own pain.
Strengthen your ability to forgive.
Dont expect to become Mother Teresa overnight.
Low section of unrecognizable people cutting pie and vegetables standing around dinner table with homemade food on it
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Experts recommend starting with addressing the hurt caused by less impactful individuals and gradually working up to those who have caused deeper pain, according to Enright.
Practicing forgiveness daily can lead to tangible physical benefits. According to the expert, forgiving others can have a direct impact on the brain's amygdala, leading to reduced signals to the hypothalamus and subsequently to the pituitary glands. The end result is a decrease in cortisol levels, which can lead to lower levels of anxiety and depression.
Expect the unexpected
As you deepen your forgiveness practice, you may experience paradoxical results, Enright said.
"By extending kindness and love to those who have treated you unfairly, you can improve your self-esteem, cultivate hope for the future, and strengthen your relationships," he remarked.
Enright explained that practicing forgiveness not only activates and strengthens different regions of the brain, but it can also enhance problem-solving and decision-making abilities, as well as nurture empathy and facilitate emotional healing.
"He said that the person who hurt you no longer holds power over you, as your heart is no longer controlled by their past actions. We hope these five tips will aid you in moving toward a more forgiving mindset. Listen to the full episode to gain insight into the steps of forgiveness, including self-forgiveness, and explore the capacity for forgiveness in everyone. Join us next week on the Chasing Life podcast as Dr. Gupta delves into the mailbag to address your questions."
CNN Audios Eryn Mathewson contributed to this report.
